God damn it i miss you.

I had time to myself yesterday and I could only think of one thing - you. And it made me cry, made my entire body shake. And then i stopped crying and made myself forget it. Its like a switch, and its so fucking close to the surface.

Fuck it.

Fuck.

Life is good, really really good. Wish i could show you, tell you....

I miss you. I hope you're safe.

My excuse is holidays. They're making me busy, hungover and slightly slack. But i'm having mucho fun, so thats all that counts.

Been chilling a lot and watching movies, reading, eating too much and drinking too much. Had an awesome house/friends christmas party yesterday lunch, followed by a reasonable sane family affair. Tomorrow is the highly exciting bogan side of the fam. Joy.

Stuff is good with the boy. I'm so in love even i find it nauseating sometimes. He's just been such a sweetheart recently, so so so good to me in my time of exceptional poverty. Said poverty is not improved by Ia being a prick and not giving me my money back. I really need it and have been asking for ages and ages. He's not even trying. He eats lunch at HP of F every day, takes a fuck load of drugs, parties and doesn't get a job. Nor is he borrowing it off someone else. Fuck, its been 6 months.

But yeah, D. Well what can i say....i love him and think we're going to be together for a very long time. Which is a damn sight more than i can say for any past bf. Gave him a present he loves for christmas, so i'm happy. Kinda scared he's taking me somewhere exotic for a hol, but guess i will find out tomorrow.

Contemplating the potential getting kicked out of this house. Its sad i guess. Dont want to leave these guys, but wouldn't be too devastated about never seeing J again. drives me nuts.

Nothing much is news really, even though it feels like life has changed.

Oh, i know, I'm 21! My partay was massivo, and awesome. I had one of the best nights EVER. I love my friends. Ia was a jerk and threw a beer bottle, W was a jerk too. Both upset me by being selfish uptight drunken idiots. But that got sorted and i got fucking trashed! Enormous night.

Well, more later. Ha - whatever.

Going for a christmas eve picnic tonight. mmmm...

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL. :)

Sunrise which i saw most mornings 

Me swimming 

This is my beautiful island as we were taken away from it 

Another reason that its good that i dont own a credit card - i would buy stuff i cant afford off ebay.

I dont know how many of you know this - but i love ebay. I've never personally bought anything off there but i do enjoy perusing and going "oh my god, thats so cheap, if i had a credit card i'd buy that".

Well today theres this incredibly sexy custom PRS for about 3 and a half. Yes, i dont have that kind of money, but its SO HOT. Seriously, look at it and drool. One of the best guitars i've ever seen on ebay. Oh and theres this cool maton starline arch top thing. Cool.

Mmmm guitar i cant afford.....

Anyways, check out this website too. Very very funny.

So B's partay was average. Very average. Well, to be fair, the party itself was pretty good. I was just in a shitty mood. Mostly because i wanted to get hammered and party with my precious friends but i couldnt cos i had to go home at midnight to study for fuckin con and admin. A few other things made the night not so good. Firstly, James. Seeing him was strange. Strangely good. Forgot how sexy he is and how intelligent and calm and smooth. He flirted his arse off and made me want him and then picked up some girl right in front of me. Then every time he so much as touched her, he'd look up to make sure i was looking. GROW UP. And secondly, D. He was stroppy with me cos i wasn't paying him enough attention and spent much of the night with James and Christian. Then when we got home he cracked it and i told him to stop expecting me to babysit him. Low, i know. But i HATE HAVING A BOYFRIEND!!!!! Damn it. If i had any guts and subsequent self control i'd break up with him. ehhh later.

Exam was average also. Probably passed but who knows.

Going to short and sweet next week. Free and on the house. Should be good. Finally some culture. Dont know who to take. trying to work out which of my friends will appreciate it. Should take D i guess, try and beat him round the head with theatre. Could work.

Whit has her english exam tomorrow. I'm worried for her. Hope shes ok.

Tonight marks the return of sock girl. Be afraid...be very afraid.

LET ME OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!!!!!!! I'm going crazy.

I'm loosing my hair. My beautiful hair. Seriously, as in LITERALLY COMPLETELY LOOSING MY HAIR. Thats how stressed out i am. Huge clumps just keep falling away in my hands. I still look relatively normal, which is good, but its certainly not a good sign of my overall health. Still so tired, still so much to do.

Sometimes i love my friends so much it hurts. Other times i feel so removed from them that i feel as if i were to leave the country, i'd hardly notice they weren't there. Maybe it boils down to the wavelength thing. Maybe my friends, as much as a fucking adore them, aren't right for me. Who knows. Anyways, right at the moment i feel so far away. Well, from everyone except C and strangely enough, W. W because he's in the same situation as me at the mo. I see it in his eyes. The poor thing is aching from tiredness and stress. I just want to give him a big hug. I should do that. No, i WILL do that. Tonight. And C, well we connect, and we always will. He's a superstar and i love him so much. Think he's saved my arse AGAIN with this exam. He's precious.

Br's partay tonight. Should be a good one. Pity i cant go too hard. James is going to be there, as in the boy i was dating earlier in the year, before i met D. Damn its going to be awkward, well, at least he's going to be strange to me i imagine. Still....mmmmmmmm. yes....i'm so bad. Dont think those thoughts. Anyways, the entire crew will be there too. Guess i'm excited, i feel so cooped up in here, typing, studying, stressing. It will be good to get all dressed up see everyone.

J is having a party here while we're out. Theres already a few people downstairs. Lots of black haired rockers. But they;re pretentious punk rockers. Fit so strangely into a stereotype. Like J. Trying not to judge to quickly, and i do like her, heaps, but it just makes me laugh. Its transparent and painfully so.

Got a 21st invite from Sophie, my best friend from primary school. The one who i drove the car into the wookwork building with. Haven't seen her since we were 10. Should be strange but cool.

Well, i've got 'characterization under s 51' to read in the next hour. Joy.

Hope you all have a good weekend.

JESSIE - my 21st is the 10th or 11th of December. Keep the weekend free and come down damn it. I shall never speak to you again if you dont. Ok, so thats not entirely true. But i do really really really really want to see you and i want you to meet my friends and my sister and my boy. And they really want to meet you. Please. Thankyou. Love you heaps.

Sad, sad state of affairs. It seems that Americans are even more moronic than Australians. Not that that comes as much of a suprise. I think i've ranted myself out about the recent elections to my friends, but the blog has been spared.

Basically i'm becoming much more politically conscious. I've always had a left-wing interest, but never to the point that it starts to upset me. But yesterday i watched the election most of the day and it made me very sad. I'm also writing an essay about the state of the environment in australia because of the howard government. Thats making me miserable too.

I guess we get what we deserve. If we, as a collective, are stupid enough to be fooled by sham policies and to be driven by our hip pockets, fear and xenophobia then perhaps this is what we get. It just sucks. Seriously. I wont go on, because i'll get worked up and i cant spare the energy.

What is also a sad state of affairs is my life at the moment. Its study central. Didn't go to bed last night and my eyes are aching. I've lost my voice so i cant sing and i've lost my appetite so i cant eat. Damn it, those are my two favourite procrastination activities. Meanwhile, i've taken a shine to gambling as i recently realised that i'm very good at it. Picked the trifecta today for oakes, and most of the winners on cup day, including a few trifectas then. My bank balance thanks me, and god did it need it.

6000 words of essays due tomorrow. Basically finished thank god. Then to cram for law hell and pray that i dont fail.

This year has been in no way condusive to doing well. Too much partying and drinking. Too many drugs and late nights and sleeping. Too little going to class. Still it has been fun. I'm free on the 15th and its going to be a massive one...perhaps not as massive as last year, because i didn't sleep for almost 5 days and my body hated me for it.

Spoke to Hans yesterday. What a cutie. And to Jez, and Sohpie. All in one day. Reunion day. Kind of cool.

We have a new houesmate. Her name is Jenna. I'm reserving too much judgment, but i will say that she is going to be an absolute handful. I like her though. She's firey and passionate.

what else? Not much on the boy front. D is in Qld and i miss him. The drugs do work, whatever the verve wants to say, and he's doing really well. It means we're getting along much better, and he's really looking after me while i'm stressed out. I love him so much...i wish i could just fall IN love with him. I'm trying, its just not working. Oh well, we'll see.

Thats all. No more typing. I'm tired. very tired.