Love this song!!! I'm listening to 'dissident' as loud as these speakers will go. Pearl Jam kicks! Enjoying my freedom, the fact that i dont have to creep around the house or keep my music down or come home at any particular hour. ooohh new song, gotta dance...excuse me...

Ahok i'm back, just danced around the house singing at the top of my lungs. that feels better. Oh guess what, i quit my job officially last night, yep thats it, its all over, done, no more. My boss cried, well went all teary, hugged me and said "what will it take for you to stay?" How hard do they want to make it? I think he was only sad cos i was the third person to quit that night, i wasn't going to, i just figured i'd hop on the bandwagon. hehehe nah...

Well i'm off to kat's new house to do some decorating.
ahhh new song...this rocks....

well bye bye...

WARNING: This is sure to be one major vent

Dear Dad,

I say this with all honestly - i thought i had forgiven you. When you showed that intense remorse for everything you did, my heart told me to forgive you. I realised tonight how much of everything is still with me. I still flinch when you raise your hand, or get scared when you raise your voice, or feel sick if my room is messy because of the stupid situations its catalysed in the past. Tonight you proved you haven't changed, you're still the fucking bastard that you always were. I'm ashamed that i share half your genes. I'm terrified that some of those genes might show themselves and i'll turn out to be the same arrogant, insensitive, violent, cruel person that you are. The only thing i can thank you for is that you've shown me how not to act. If i even wanted to see how much one person can destroy another persons life...well you gave me the perfect example. I forgave you because i saw you openly recognise how disgustingly you've treated your family, i saw that realisation break your heart, and i foolishly believed that with that acceptance would come a change in your behaviour. Isn't that how it works? You do something wrong, you realise you did wrong and you never do it again?

I have no words for the hypocrisy you demonstrated tonight, but you appal me. I dont respect you, i dont love you, i dont even want to be near you ever again in my life. I have no wish for your happiness, or well-being, all i desire is for you to be out of our lives. I cant believe what you did to me tonight. Fucking hell, do you honestly believe the way you acted was right? Are you that delusional. Well if you are, then let me set you straight. You never, ever, ever say those things to another human being, you never hit them, you never disrespect them in such a way and you never blame then for your own fucking mistakes. I dont say this to your face because i have lost all hope in you learning how to be decent. I think the only thing i do want to say right now is "fuck you. are you happy?"

* * * *

Well it was nice to get that out of my system. Damn its been a crap night. On a more positive note i'm feeling a whole heap better health wise. I dont have the energy to write much more, i'm drained mentally, emotionally and physically. Oh well, tomorrow will be a whole new day! I've been thinking about A a fair bit tonight, dont know why, suppose its all the time i've had on my hands. Dont know if that a good thing or a bad thing...either way i've realised a few things. Dont have the energy or the confidence to write them here so i'll be going...i think the drugs i took are making me sleepy and vague...no heavy machinery for me....
xo

*cough cough* hmm i'm sick. not happy. I've been going pretty full on for the last week so its no surprise. Yesterday was CRAZZZZZZZZZY. I got up at 6, went for a run, came home, got ready for uni, went to uni stayed there for almost 10 hours, then went straight to work, worked for 3 hours (stupid short shifts) and then i was finally going to get to go home to bed when Ursh got all excited about going out. I protested for a while but gave in (of course) and we ended up going to the A, the only half decent relaxed place i know of on a Tuesday. We actually ended up having a good, relaxing night despite the fact i was so tired i could hardly see. We met lots of people which was fun though most of them were just plain stupid (i mean 7 guys asked me for my number which really suggests how stupid they were!!). Speaking of which, guess who was there?! Robbie! Anyways, met this one guy who's from flinders and he didn't believe i knew where it was until i started talking about how great the waves are over at Cyrills compared with Broken Head, hehe you just gotta talk the surfer talk! Which reminds me, haven't been surfing in ages , should really make the effort sometime soon, at least when it gets warmer and i get healthier. Ursh gave my number to the healsville park ranger guy, which i'm going to kick her arse for when i see her next, but i dont know if thats fair cos something tells me she wasnt in the best state for making good decisions. Andrew was there too, of course, looking cute and playing better than i remember, but thats most likely just me and my clouded vision (i was tired you see...hehe). We spoke for a few minutes but i was out of it and he had things to do. I want to spend a bit more time with him, as in during the day, or at least not at 3 in the morning, but its hard when we're both so busy. ah well...we'll see eachother when we see eachother...

Yesterday was the most beautiful day in months and the world felt all good. People were sitting together outside on the lawn, laughing, chatting and playing games. Everyone seemed cheerful and just that little bit more enthusiastic about life. I dont know why sunshine does it to me but i was just floating. I felt like i was glowing inside and out. Love days like that, love how life can be so wonderful at times. Everything thats been worrying you is just whisked away and you start to see all the good things, think the positive thoughts and smile because somehow you know its all going to be ok...And whats more, you feel like all the things that have gone wrong have done so to make this very moment as good as it is...after all, even sunshine burns if you get too much...

* * * *
Highbury Grove
On the weekend i drove Em home. I was driving down High street late at night, trying to pick a road to cut through and at random i chose one. We turned into the dull, under lit street, eerie and empty at that hour. My subconscious spoke to me, told me that this wasn't quite right. I felt cold and sick to my stomach. I then realised why. It was the street. Purely accidently i'd turned down the only street in the world i never wanted to see again in my life. I think i can almost empathize with phobias, the way that made me feel, how my hands went sweaty and my heart rate increased. I've never done a three point turn so quickly in all my life. Strange things happen in life, and you tell yourself that the past is just the past and that its never coming back. Then you do something like i did and you realise how much of you IS the past. You cant escape it. Everything you see in life is just a distorted perception of what actually is, refracted through a maze of memories and emotions. What you know shapes what you see, and in a million ways your past is very much your present. I pulled out of the street and took the next one and it passed, so very quickly it was over. I apologised for the sudden change of heart, masked it with "i forgot that one doesnt go all the way through" and turned up the radio a bit. She switched it off, made me pull over and said "tell me...." So I told her my story like she was paper. I told it like it wasn't mine to tell, like i'd been watching through the window and saw someone elses world unfurl. My words were factual, unblemished by emotions, stripped of all the subjectivity i could scrape away. I wanted it to be a story, because stories aren't real. Even still, she cried. She told me that it was wrong, i should be sad, that i should cry more often or at least be desperately angry, and that the fact that wasn't meant i was repressing it all and would one day break down. I smiled and asked her why. She couldn't answer. It angers me when people expect that everyones the same, that everyone should deal with situations the same. Especially when someone whos known me from way back doesn't have enough faith that i know myself and my own limits. "You cant be ok" she demanded "thats just bullshit". So i drove her to my place, my special little place and told her to get out of the car. We both did. I made her close her eyes and i led her to just the point where you can see the furthest. She opened her eyes and i said "look at that and tell me that life is bad. Look at that tell me that life isn't beautiful." Silence. "Thats why i'm ok." i said and I saw in her eyes that she understood.

I drove down that street again on Sunday evening. This time i stopped, got out of my car and sat on the pavement for an hour or more. I just sat there and watched the building fade to a silhouette against the bruised sky. Finally it was gone into blackness and i got up and went home. Symbolic perhaps, but necessary. Scars are what you get when an injury almost heals but not quite. So i have a scar? So what? Its just a another story, its just another piece of a life...of this life, of this beautiful life...

oh and by the way....whats the deal Mia? Write!! I demand that you write!!!
Or i will be forced to..umm...do something...
hey this is for you by the way...i dont like rhyming either...partly cos i cant spell the damn word but still...you know what you were saying about those activists...

radical
she wears her opinion
inscribed on her chest
-question authority!
and to hell with the rest
she’ll argue the point
be it big or be small
and to be in the middle
is no where at all

but what can she say
at the end of the day
when all of the marchers
have gone their own way
and the pavement is empty
of evils to fight
when the whole world has settled
down into the night

fight only for causes
that are worth fighting for
or the chip on your shoulder
won’t fit through the door
and you’ll be left standing
alone on the edge
when all of the middle
has retired to bed

I log-in conscious of the fact i have nothing to say. Or is it that i have a lot to say but not the energy to articulate it. I think its the latter.

I reflect on today and laugh. I'm a quietly proud of how brilliant i am at procrastination, so much so that i stoop to the most ridiculous levels to avoid doing my work. Today procrastination entertained me, forced me into the strangest activities and all in all made the day quite enjoyable. I found myself playing "fairies" with the little girl down the road again, and am once again covered in gold glitter that just wont come off. I tried explaining it to the guy at the supermarket but he just looked afraid, or was that pity? i'm not sure. Its interesting how we all act out our little roles in the community. I'm meant to play the normal boring customer, he's meant to play the interested polite and useful check out boy, we do our deal and i go on my way. The minute you step outside your little role, which restricts conversation to the weather or the price of petrol, the other person just looks afraid. As if they're not dying to say exactly what they're thinking too. I noticed check out boy looking at me weirdly so i just clarified the reason for my appearance. "I'm a fairy". It was that simple. You know what he was thinking? He was thinking "no you're not, you're a fucking glittery weirdo, thats what you are." But you know what he said?...he said "really? thats...nice." And smiled (of course). Grrr...its not like his safeway outfit was exactly flattering either...

Then when i got home i found a microphone and a sound recorder on my computer. That took up about 3 hours, if not more, and was quite a scary experience. Fun though, and amusing once i found effects. Then i read the newspaper cover to cover, cleaned the entire house, washed my car, went for a walk, wrote a few letters, sunbaked...mmm sun...and by that time it was time for me to make dinner. I did that, ate it, watched TV and discovered that somehow the entire day had passed without me noticing and i'd written just 74 of the 3000 words i have to write before tomorrow morning. Funny like that.

I just ran out of things to say so i decided to check my email for some inspiration. I had about 60 new emails, only about 5 from people i knew. Annoying. One was from leigh and was HYSTERICAL. Hehehe i'll post it here...i feel sorry for people like leigh, life must be incredibly difficult with so few brain cells.

"babe

wats happenin, once again the times we chat to each other are limited, but dont worry i dont forget about you!! (Does that even make sense?)

how is your life going?? whos the latest boy?? seeing u couldnt kiss me last time u wer here u better be with someone who is amazing hot and got a better body than mine, if not, u have no excuse to come back down and see me!! (i'm sorry? I didn;t kiss you cos you're a bloody retard honey, it has nothing to do with any other guys...plus get over yourself!)

i ahvent been doin much (like thinking or learning how to spell for example), footy season is almost over, 2 games to go plus finals so yeh, not long, then im goin to bali in october for footy trip wit our team, so that'll be heaps of drunken fun id say!! hehe cant wait!!

but seriosuly, when u get this, or i dunno, call me, i havent spoken to u in ages!! wats ur uni timetable like? so if i call i know ur not goin to be at uni!!

k..well call me and tell me all babe!!
luv ya

Leigh
xx

Poor boy, one can only feel sympathy. The other emails were equally as unexciting, one was from Brandaline, which i though was cool until i saw it was one of those stupid group emails that was one line long. grrrrrrrr...

Well i'm tired and inspirationless. This rambling is boring me. You know its bad when you bore yourself.
I'm gonna go do some work, or at least find something to distract me from my work for the next few hours. Yes...yes...i'll do that.
Guess what? Sunshine in exactly 1 month. 1 month to the day!!! Yey all so exciting....
anyways..


* Si pudiera de noche, perdidament solo
acumular olvido y sombra y humo
haria yo feliz.
me moriria por ver el mundo de noche,
las calles cuando el humo levanta,
y tu....*

sonrisa, el mundo amores tu.
y asi hago yo