I'm drunk but i want to type. Why do i attract random, scattered, unreliable, fucked up types?

He didn't break up with me, he just said he wanted to invite me to something but wasn't sure how i'd take it. I took it well, agreed to go, said i'd call him later to arrange stuff. It was sweet, he just wanted to make sure he wasn't taking everything too quickly. It made me happy. I wanted to talk to him about mum, cos he knows all about that and stuff. I was meeting the fam and so on. Cool eh?

So it gets to 5pm when i said i'd call and he's not answering his phone. Call a billion more times and he still doesn't answer. FINALLY sends me a message "i'm a bit useless tonight - see you some other time"

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

I arranged my whole fucking night around him. Happy and sad and back again. So i took the sensible approach and got drunk. Fuck him. Soooo fuck him. I am so annoyed because it was his last chance.

Hmmm it was nice being with him for a while. So i'm single...wont be fucked with any more, have had enough of it...

Need another beer. THis one is empty./

Mum has cancer.

I know thats the worst way possible to start a blog but its all my mind will let me think at the moment.

I dont even know how to feel. Just sad i guess. And scared. And everything and nothing. People want to help me. I look like a zombie from the outside, tired, sad, stoned and withdrawn. They dont know whats going on, they dont know what to say. I want to help them, let them know i dont need them to say anything or do anything but no words will come. I need that holiday right now.

Hope everyone is peaceful.

Yo. So i'm back fairly quickly - amazing. I'm stoned, so there might be ranting or i might just stop typing when i get sick of it. Its kinda hard to type when you cant be bothered lifting your arms.

Now - what does someone mean when they say "I want to talk to you". Thats exactly what they're doing when they tell you just this. Matt wants to talk to me, which in most cases means 'i want to break up with you in person so i'm not called a dick for doing it over the phone'. Well i didn't see it coming thats for sure. I'm too stoned to care particularly, though i know that beneath the wonderful wonderful viel that is these drugs, i do care. But maybe he just wants to talk about something else, who knows? Ah optimism. So we'll see, i may be a single chica by the weekend. I'll let you all know...jessie....!!!

FUNNY MESSAGE OF THE DAY:

'Sorry baby, still wanna see you but i'm playing godforsaken golf in a male bonding ritual with my dad for his 50th. I hope i dont turn out like this. See you soon' - Rock Boy.

Its only funny because the picture of rock boy playing golf is one of the most hilarious i cant think of. Long black hair plastered to his heaD by the rain, leather jacket beading up with water, heals of his boots sinking into the mud and freezing his scrawny pale arse off. Ah yes...makes me laugh.

Anyways, i think i'm straightening out so i'll go smoke some more. I have so much news so i'll have to come back and update later.

Ciaoxxx

this is complicated  

This is the beautiful city view from my balcony. I never thought i'd enjoy living so close to the city, so boxed in, but at the end of a long day its a nice sight to chill to, reminds me of how much is going on out there - gets me out of my own head