Phe is:

a) Tired - and has not slept for 4 nights
b) Hungry - But too pov to buy food
c) Sore - because she has an exercise addiction
d) Bored - because she is studying
e) Screwed - cos she has exams and hasn't studied at all this year, except for now, which is too late.
f) ALL OF THE ABOVE

YAY.

Ok, you know those times you begin to wonder what exactly you're doing with your life? That time is now for me.

Last night i recieved a letter in the mail from my old vocal coach, whose always had a strange obsession with my singing, believed in me far more that i think he should. Anyways, it was a note and attatched was a full time student application form for the australian institue of contemporary singing. Like i'm good enough to get into that! But it seems so cool and would be such a great, relaxing, fun year. I'd love to do it. To sing all the time, and to learn recording stuff and to just generally be muscial and creative.

I know i shouldn't bother even thinking about it, cos its not going to happen, but i cant help thinking that if my dad didn't exist, i'd be filling out that application for right now. And working my arse of for the next month before the auditions. And my dad is not a good enough reason to stand in the way of something like that. I keep wondering whether i could do both singing AND law. Probably not. But still, its interesting me, because i love singing so much, so i might just wander on into the info session, just have a look, just frustrate myself further.

Hmmm i really cant stop thinking about it. Law hours aren't long. Singing hours cant be too long. Hmmmmmmmm. Interesting.

Maybe for once i should do it. Do something i love. Do something because later might be too late. Do something i want to do and say fuck it to whatever dad has to say.

looking again at his room, at its discreet gray walls and its vulgar furniture, he felt disgusted, weary of this cheap and alien place, this loud, throaty, rootless and sensual culture, this aggregate of clever, itchy, self-absorbed apes- vulgar, uncaring, while their flimsy civilization was, like London Bridge and all bridges, falling down, falling down.
He began to feel what he had sometimes felt before: a heavy lassitude, a world-weariness, a profound fatigue with this busy, busy destructive world and all its chittering noises. He felt as though he could give the whole thing up, that it was foolish, impossibly foolish to have started it, more than twenty years before. He looked around him again, tiredly. What was he doing here- here on this other world, third from the sun, a hundred million miles from his home? He got up and turned the television set off, and then sat back deeply in the chair, still drinking the wine, feeling the alcohol now and not caring


Am in an abstract, overly interlectual, artsy mood. Haven't been able to stop writing since Friday night when i had this strange wave of inspiration. It was strange because of how powerful it was, how moving and how phyisical as well as mental. I had so much to get out and not the ability to get it out as quickly and accurately as i wanted to the point where my shoulders tensed up and i had to take about 6 panadol to bear the pain. It was very startling. It was like i was about to explode with ideas. Cool though.

Haven't been doing too much. Just studying like this time of year calls for. Went out on Saturday to a play and then got suitably trashed at cookie. Was a really really great night actually, so nice to spend some proper (and cultured) time with christian. Then my bro (who i'm becoming close to) messaged me and told me to go to transport with him and his friends. I like that my brother has realised i'm not just the little one and that we can hang out and talk.

Anyways, i've gotta go have the obligatory dinner with the fam, its been a very long time so i guess i should make some effort. Busy week this week, dont know how the hell i'm goign to get through all of this emotional, mentally and financially entact. God, who knows!!'

Ciao.