I'd marry you in a second jess, they dont make too many boys like you. Thanks for the comments bro, so glad you like it. Could you tell i'd recently paid a visit to the gallery. I dont usually name drop like that, though it does give me cred. Or more cred anyway. Haven't seen simon and would like to disagree with the him rockin thing. No, no deal. Did you hear about our little reunion this year? It was all back on there for a while. Weird eh?

Okies, fliss' drinks tally from last night:

7 vodkas (mostly just shots)

4 shots of drambuie - no, i dont know why either.

5 beers

2 shots of tequila

Thats over 18 standard drinks and oh baby put your hand up if you were one sick kitten today. I know i was. Woke up after 1 hour sleep still exceedingly drunk and found the breathalizer, out of curiousity if nothing else. Still blowing .075 at 10.30 this morning. Turkey and the like didn't really go down as well as it usually does.

Yesterday, well yesterday was a bit....you know. It was the 24th, the day of every month that is now forever ruined by some event of the past. I try not to be too sentimental but your mind wanders. For distraction i beached it up with Breecey, who i've spent SOO much time with recently. Was a lovely day for it. Then did the obligatory xmas eve pub crawl, culminating in a drunken stagger into room at 1. Had a good dance which cheered me mucho, along with the drambuie (not my idea). Ran into everyone i've ever met in my life, with special mentions estyn, dave parker, milesy, dan, and many other hockey boys.

Then andrew turned up, which i hadn't expected. It was cool though, cos i really didn't want anything to be weird or immature "i'm not talking to you" kinda deal. And it wasn't. I just said "are we cool?" and he said "yeah" and that was that. Until of course i was confronted by the sight of him pashing some girl for the rest of the night. Didn't really know how to feel (dizzy and nauseas seemed to come naturally but i think that was something else alltogether). Of course hes allowed to be with other girls but it was fairly full on after the monday talk, and a little bit upsetting i guess. Yeah, drunkenly got a bit teary in the bathrooms but recovered and decided it wasn't going to ruin my night. I guess i'm always going to ask myself "why her", which i was certainly asking last night but that was for a different reason all together. BUt yeah, there'll always be that curiosity. I do hope we can be friends and i can be chilled with such stuff happening right in my face, but probably not two days afterwards. Doesnt do good things for the healing process. Should stop writing about this, is fucking with me.

Today was nice except for the hangover from hell. Had a really quiet lunch at nans, which was exactly the same as every year but for the screaming between dad and his brother. Fortunately this year he's overseas.

Really excited about this house with me, warfey and breece. We've already found a few good places which is all happening too quickly but thats cool.

Other than that i've run out of things to say I'm mega tired.

Promise to write a half decent entry soon. Oh yeah, stay tuned for my end of year message, including a summary of the year that was.

Sleep well all, a very very merry christmas and much love to my random readers.

MEGA BLOG ALERT:

Listening to: The Weight - The Band - it had to be done, because its my sad song.

This blog has been spared any andrew related ramblings, because he tunes in from time to time and i didn't want to bare my soul on a webpage. Now everything has been said, in some garbled form or another and i have nothing to hide, no more secrets, and probably no more dignity :)

Somehow, and somewhere in the mess of this year, through my world falling apart at home, and my heart breaking over a decision that shook me more than i'd ever have imagined - i fell in love. When i'd lie in his arms in the mornings, or i'd see him smile when i was sneaking out to meet him in the middle of the night i felt happier than i did doing anything. Maybe we search to find the light in darkness, and our hearts and minds make it brighter when we do, i dont know, but something...well something made me fall for the worlds most disfunctional individual, knowing full well that that was exactly what he was, and is. Yet yesterday, suprising myself more than him i'm sure - i told him exactly what was on my chest.

He also hurt me very very badly. I know he doesnt know it and probably doesn't agree with me, but he did. The ways he led me to believe he cared, went back to Katie, cheated on her with me and then wouldn't even answer his phone or reply to my messages the very next day. The way he asked me to message before i called because his priority was him and katie, and not that fact that i was pregnant to him and felt like throwing myself off something. The way he would choose when to see me, the hours that he'd call and i'd come to see him, but when i needed him he'd cancel. The way that he wont acknowledge that he gave me great reason to hold a candle. The way he'd play with me, knowing full well i wanted to be with him, but playing satisfied mind and glancing over at me with a smile, knowing it affected me, and knowing he didn't want to be with me.

And despite this, and all the ways i was hurt, there isn't a person i respect more. Ironic isn't it. No, he was (and is) the most amazing person and someone i feel honoured to have known. So switched on, yet so beautifully vague. So intelligent and passionate. So much fun in moments, and so stable and grounded at other times. His faith in me was more than anything anyone else has ever shown in me. Of all the things that have passed between us, the thing i regret very least is what i told him yesterday. I meant it with complete and utter sincerity and am not in the least ashamed or embarrassed. More than that, loving someone is the most beautiful and selfless feeling you'll ever come across, it overwhelms you with a side of yourself you never imagined. I wanted him to know what he stirred in me, that kind of beauty.

He says that over the past two years hes seen me grow strong. Perhaps he is right in a way, but in so many ways i have developed a weakness. That weakness is a lack of faith in myself and my worth. That weakness is self doubt and regret. That weakness is the the tears i cried over someone else, and the way i let myself change. Two years of wasted (i dont mean that) emotions over someone who doesnt give a fuck, two years of relationships set aside, hours drained by thinking and pondering. I want my time back, i want myself back and i wish this feeling would just go away. I dont know if i can cry anymore.

And i know, as everyone does, that in time i will be perfectly fine. But i do not want that fact to dampen the sadness i feel now, because that is what this blog is for. It is to record to second time i ever told someone i loved them, the first time i was told in reply that they didn't love me back, the way i heard the words before i thought them, and how it instantly felt like a weight was lifted. THe way everything suddenly slowed down, and all of a sudden my intelligence couldn't get me out and all of the love and compassion i could muster would do nothing. It is to record the hollowness i felt as i drove home, all possibility disolved in such an absolute. And to record this immense sadness i feel having lost a friend (if only temporarily), one of my favourite people in world.

Now is now. Tomorrow, the next day and a year from now will be different, and they will have their own words. Todays belong only to today.

If you're reading this, I do love you andrew, in the stupidest, most irrational way possible. I also understand that you do not, and cannot feel the same and i in no way resent you for that and never will. You've made me very happy so many times over and i'm so sorry that i let my feelings get in the way. Please dont let this freak you out. I like to be fairly chilled when it comes to such stuff, because awkwardness is useless. In time i hope we can be friends, and whatever we need and want to be to eachother, but i am glad this all got said and that i am going to take this time out.

And yet its christmas time and a good friends best friend was just killed in a car accident a few hours ago. Another world destroyed, and i feel ashamed of my sadness and lonliness. Still, i will let myself feel. Rest in peace Tristan and all my love Meggy.

Addies latest blog that got my laughing. You rock chicka:

"Today I got kicked out of my mother's graduation ceremony (she's just earned a counseling degree). My brother's fault. During the Australian anthem he started singing self mockingly in a high pitched voice, adding humorous politcal commentary and saying "girt girt" at the end of every line (there is one line in the Aussie anthem that says Australia is "girt by sea," ie surrounded by sea... arbitrary thing to mention in an anthem if you ask me. There's also some irony in the line "for those who come across the seas we've boundless plains to share," considering the uproar in this country if a few refugees come looking for some sort of salvation ... arg. I'll leave it at that, too woozy to properly explain something I feel so strongly about)...

at any rate, my brother's interpretation of the Australian anthem made me laugh so hard I lost my footing and an insulted looking bouncer guy dragged me off the floor and out the door. it took me half an hour to convince them to let me back in... *shrug* the speeches would have been boring anyway."

Anyways, spent the entire day with breece who cheered me up insanely. In feb i'm moving in with him and warfey. Should be a good combination of people i reckon.

Damn i'm tired now, long day, still kinda emotionally drained. Sleep well all xxxx