Look, i'm down with Christmas as a concept, because, in theory it is a beautiful, generous and family oriented occasion. I'm also down with festive spirit, with trees and tinsle and parties. I'm not religious at all, but i'm also down with the whole jesus side of it too - if thats what rocks your boat then i'll give you angels and wisemen and the lot. But honestly, the whole thing just doesn't work as nicely as it does in this grand christmas theory. And anyone who thinks it does is fooling themselves nicely.

Today i had my first encounter with christmas shopping, and more specifically with Christmas shoppers. Now, people who know me well know that my least favourite activity in the world (next to parallel parking and going to uni) is shopping. So here we have combined three of my most hated things: shopping, scarily massive disorienting shopping centres and wild, crazy, stressed out, pushy INSANE shoppers. It was all up a very unpleasant experience. Then there was the present buying. I love giving people stuff, especially stuff i know they really really really want, and knowing that i'm making them happy. But you try finding anything half decent in Chadstone - really, try it. Then i remembered mum asking me to buy myself clothes for her to give me, so i look into this. Mostly i have the choice between sparkly gold singlets and tight white pants. If i'm really lucky i could even get my hands on a ra ra skirt and some fluro leggings. What i'm getting at is that, despite much advertising to the contrary - CHADSTONE IS NOT THE FASHION CAPITAL. Chadstone is not even the fashion outskirts, the fashion narre warren.

So by this stage i'm getting quite annoyed by the fluro lighting and the high pitched christmas carols (and the santa who ASKED FOR MY NUMBER - which is so not cool with me!) I make the dash into HMV and do not leave for a good hour. Looks like everyone is getting CD's for christmas! Thats what my bro wanted, the best of RHCP new thing, and i almost refused to buy it. Its not that i dont like RHCP, i'm just intensly over them and there sooooooooooo much other stuff thats better. I just want to give him something he's never heard of and just say "deal with it, you'll like it". Of course that doesn't wash with someone like him.

So yeah, thats my shopping rant. Just wait til i get to the family lunch/dinner/strangulation bit. This part is the lovely, happy, family reunion bit apparently, but i know it otherwise and i dont doubt that its the same in many many families. The very fact that you dont choose your family means the likelihood of getting on with any member of your extended family is low, very low. One side of the fam is excessively wealthy, english, shmancy and crazy, in a socially acceptable way. This is usually held by my uncle pete, whos deaf as a doorpost but refuses to acknowledge it. Thus conversations run as follows: "So, pete, how is the new house going?" him: "Yes, yes i think so". Last year he forgot to make the dinner completely. Generally the conversations are at least civil (except for penny picking on andrews tatoos). My only three cousins live in paris, rum jungle and a salvation army shelter. Dont see much of them.

Ok, then the other side. This is the working class, typical aussie side, which usually ends in some sort of brawl, or at least screaming match. Last year it was andrew and vrai (my step-grandpa) yelling about unions, the year before my dad and my uncle (who've never seen eye to eye on one single topic) yelling about politics. My gradma rocks though, and is one of the funnier people i know. I guess that makes up for it.

So shopping sucks and the social side is painful at best, you eat too much and feel sick for days. Maybe i'm missing something but i cant quite see the appeal. Wow, i'm not feeling so festive anymore. hmm you know one good thing? Fairy lights! I love fairy lights.

Anyways, last night i watched donnie darko three times over with andrew and len. It seemed like an excellent idea at the time. Turns out it wasnt, but who were we to judge. Tonights drop in on Sas' 21st has been vetoed by my sister, who cant tolerate the crowd. She said she may be very rude to some people in her currently mood. Thats fair.

Feeling happy with myself today cos i've done everything i planned to. I even did my singing practise for an hour, which is really really helping. And i played my guitar for an hour, and went for a run. Geez this holiday thing is cool...

Well thats well and truely enough ranting from me. I'm outty.....(where did i get that from?!!)

Everyone does it. Prioritises, makes decisions about what and who is important, basically because life is busy, and you simply dont have time for everyone and everthing. When i hear what i manage to hear on the grape vine, and read and see and all that, i come to understand his priorities perfectly.

I'm seem to flicker in and out of being significant to him, yet i cant judge what sparks the change. I remain a constant, at least i feel i do (besides of course, my moments of self empowerment and the like) so it all comes entirely down to him and when exactly i happen to cross his vague and distracted mind. And perhaps he has times of loneliness, as everyone does, and moments where my presence makes him feel better somehow and other times when i am redundant. It upsets me a lot and it makes me angry in a dull, passionless way. People who take and take and take and seem to be conveniently absent when it comes to giving. Like those friends who crash at your place after a party, but manage to leave before cleaning up occurs - like that, just times 700. And just when i get to the point of a few tears and the decision to leave it be, he reappears with a smile, some artsy lyrical words and all is forgiven for a while. Well, for long enough for him to come and go, and leave me alone again for another night of attributing it all to something not quite right about me. Its unbelievable how unattractive, worthless and weak this whole thing makes me feel. Kat says i'm more independant than most people she knows, because i am not emotionally dependant on anyone at all, but he certainly destroys that strong, independant side of me. Still, nothing will change and i still have not the faintest idea why i even think about this.

Anyway, saw Jessie last night which was great. I've never known a person who exudes such peace and gentility. Hes amazing. The way he mingles with my friends, taking time to speak to them all, to be interested and genuinely so and to impart his incredible wisdom in such a modest unassuming way. I dont know how a 23 yo (?) can be so worldly and open minded at the same time. I love the way he'll just sit in the corner of the room, smoking away, smiling to himself, no doubt remembering a crazy adventure or something and the next moment he'll be the life of a party. The boy grounds me, inspires me and makes me, for want of a less clitche expression, want to be a better person. I wish he still lived in melbourne, but still he wasn't happy here, so i guess i'm happy with whatever he needs.

Also went to room last night but i dont know why. Perhaps its turning into a habit. Though i do like to have a regular hang out. Music was crap last night and did little for my mood. Tim cornered me, and cut to three hours later hes still crapping on about how rock is making a come back and is going to be the next rnb. He was saying "you and me, at the moment we're underground, we're alternative, but really - we're the pioneers." What the fuck? I felt like just saying "Look, dude, i like rock music. That doesn't make me 'underground' or the pioneer of any new phase of cool - it just makes me a girl who likes rock." The guys a tool. Then was cornered by adrien who i used to just think was drunk all the time and attributed his lack of coherance to that. I have discovered he's just a drooling idiot regardless of his level of sobriety, a funny one, but an idiot all the same.

Went into "work" today just to sort a few things. Scored the wonderful 9 Darling St Christmas party gig on monday much to my amusement. Should be some fun, and a whole lot of really attrocious music. Excellent. I love the people i work for though, which makes the fact that i find it impossible to call it a job somewhat tolerable.

Sas' 21st tomorrow (yay, lauriston girls) and Jaseys the next night (yay...oh no, really yay). Sunday i've got family christmas for the weird eccentric side and am quite looking forward to what antics will occur.

Anyway, i'm just crapping on to distract myself from the fact that its thursday. I know that means nothing at all.

I MISS YOU AND I'M THINKING OF YOU. There, at least it gets said somewhere.

Jess Jess Jess - said i'd report in when i got a response. AND I DID!!!! Sorry, excuse how damn excited (and girly) i am.

We have a yes. He fucking rocks. As in FUCKING ROCKS. I'm sorry did i mention how cool he is? Yeah, well, he is. Oh man, no i gotsda dance around the house and stuff.

Shit look at the time, must go to my vocal coach...still funny all these weeks on.

See you tonight spunksta, cant wait.

x x x x

Jessie my love, seeing your name on that screen made me all warm and fuzzy. Its so good you're home again (i call this your home despite what you choose to believe). I missed you terribly. In fact this town missed you terribly in general, i dont know if its me but there seems to be an inordinate number of hoity toity, pretentious snobs around at the moment. Melbourne needs you and your wonderful bohemian ways...

I called you but no deal either. I still have the same number, so keep trying, its just that its been on and off (connection wise) much thanks to AAPT and their fuckwit "service" providers who cant comprehend that i've ACTUALLY PAID MY BILL. Ahem..so yeah.

I must see you before you leave. There will be tears if you go without at least one hug ok? I'm glad we have an agreement. Oh oh you can come to rock room with me, you'll love it cos you, unlike me, will have no bad associations with the place. Oh so much to tell you. And i dont have a boy as i will be eternally single. It seems i have unreasonably high expectations of men, although this is no dramatic revelation. I simply have...potentials...no, fuck buddies. THats better.

So much writing to show you, i've been writing my hands off. And damn i hope you bought your book with you...?

So excited about seeing you boy. Love you completely ~jedda

* * * *

Had a beautiful night, sitting on Ians roof watching the sun go down. We had beer and food and no reason at all to move so we were there til about 10.30. It was just awesome.

Hmmm rancho relaxo. Feeling fine.

Note to self: Buy dictaphone thingy

The major problem with being a writer (no, i cant handle saying that) with being a person whos natural instinct is to weave words to describe something as intricately as possible, is the tendancy to overwrite. It occured to me last night on my drive home that sometimes things are as simple as they seem. A tree is just a tree, a glance is just a glance. Its so easy to hide behind floral language and multi-syllabic (the irony!) words, because it sounds good, it sounds like you have some sort of worth as a writer. I hope to be a brilliant writer one day and i've got to remember to include simplicity when it is necessary. Sometimes it is those things that are far more beautiful.

Where is this coming from? Well for the past few months i've had something lingering in my head and my chest, bothering me and begging to be said. So i searched the far reaches of my vocabulary and all my writing training and found nothing adequate, nothing that did it justice. But last night i realised, its already there, in simple words and simple terms and it needs nothing more than the exact description.

Now i have found the words, all i need to find is the courage to accept and the voice to speak them.

Thats a whole other story...