GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Its a beautiful sunny day and i'm...not happy. Thats right, dont know what happened..spose there goes my record. Only got 2 hours sleep last night due to insomnia and ridiculous upsetting dream from which i woke up crying. I fell back to sleep only to wake the whole house up with my distressed screaming (really aweful dream). So then i didn't go to sleep anymore. Plus i'm still hurt. I'm still waiting, and waiting is fucking frustrating. I've heard that song 6 times already today, like the radio is trying to rub it in, and the 6th time i even got teary. Damn sentimentality.

Well Jessie, on to you..How are you sweetie? I've missed you too, very much in fact. You are too sweet to me you know, i dont deserve half the things you say about me, but thankyou anyway. I dont mind about you having my painting, it was actually a funny story. One of the few things that's managed to make me smile today, and anything that does that cant be bad (dont worry, its not her again). I'd love to catch up with you properly sometime soon. Hows monday for you? I'll give you a call about it anyway.

Back to venting...I actually dont have much more to say...i just feel like i do. This is not achieving anything.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

thats better

abrazos

Well that'll about do it. Thats it, thats enough. There's busy, there's preoccupied, and then there's just fucking rude. I tried so hard to be supportive and tolerant, to be caring, sweet, fun, gentle, understanding...all that...sometimes i had to try hard not to get upset, or offended or pissed off. I honestly dont know what more i could have done. God, this time i actually believed i did a good job of being a really decent person, this time i'm not tempted to blame myself or try and work out what i did wrong. I know i often have high expectations of the way others will behave but this time i looked it at leniently, openmindedly. Regardless of who you are theres a solid boundary between decency and insensitivity. No one seems to dispute that this one has been crossed.

If theres one thing i can say about myself right now is that i'm weak and pathetic. I know i'll just buckle again so before i do i thought i'd let out my anger here..the WORLD WIDE WEB. Well, all you people in the world - please listen to me - treat other people with kindness and caring, because you never know just how much your words and actions may hurt them. This tiny little act of unkindness has really really hurt me, more than i ever expected it would. I'm actually pretty sad right now. Told you i was weak.

Andrew, i dont know if you still read this, and whilst i seriously doubt you do - this is a warning that the following blog is pretty much all about you, so...well, you know, just a warning in case you dont want to read it.

* * * *
Intuition is an amazing thing some times isn't it? Well, i was right. Dont often get the opportunity to say such a thing but this time i was right. Andrew disappeared from all contact for the past two weeks (well a little more to be precise but hey who was counting) and for a while i didn't mind. I felt sorry for him because i thought he must be ridiculously busy, even too busy to return my many messages. This lasted for a week or so, and then i started to feel a little dejected, but realising simultaneously that to expect him to stay in contact is expecting something from someone who owes me nothing. Its just stupid and dangerous. Its not like i thought about it all the time, just that my friends (who enjoy giving me shit about my love life) kept asking me how he was, and reminding me that i had no idea. Then the idea dawned on me, in the middle of a highly exciting lecture on Brecht, that maybe Katie was home. 'Yes, that must be it' i thought to myself, and me messaging and calling is just getting in the way of him trying to catch up with her and whatever. I felt bad again and decided to leave it at that (i inherited some serious guilt issues from my mother!) Then when i got out of class last night i found i had a missed call - from him. At first i wasn't going to call back, not in an immature 'i'll show him' kinda way, but just because i didn't want it to be an inopportune moment...but then i did anyway, and it seems it was. He said he'd call me back when he'd done his sound check. I went home and went for a two hour walk (my god it was cold outside last night) which was great for clearing my head. I felt much better as a result. Well a few hours later he messaged me and told me what i already knew (as if i possibly could have known) and i wrote some pretty harsh things back. I didn't really mean it, it was just a reaction, because i didn't know how to act, all of a sudden i didn't know what the deal was, where i stood, what i could and couldn't say...i suppose it just messed with me. I wanted to talk but he couldn't cos he was driving. And thats really where it got left, haven;t heard from him since. Later on that night i felt the need to apologise for saying what i did, just because it was unfair of me. Hes sounded pretty stressed out, if only in his messages, and i shouldn't complicate things or make him feel worse - regardless of how i feel. I've been writing andrew this song for the last little while, i thought it would be a nice gesture, and i was even gonna sing it, which i thought might mean something to him. Funny thing was i finally finished it yesterday morning, after working on it for weeks, i put the final touches on it. Suppose it can go back in the draw now, despite the fact its a nice song, kinda useless and a little too late. Hmm typical. I'll put it down to a learning excercise. Or maybe i'll just change the lyrics. Either way.

On a lighter brighter note - its a lovely day in the suburbs. Firstly my brilliant acting skills got me and extension on my english essay (oh yes thats right, it took carefully timed tear filled eyes and distressed looks) *sigh* so now i finally have time to prepare for the seminar i have to give tomorrow. I'm sooooo nervous!!! Mr B has already told all the students that i got one of the top marks in the world and im the best student he's ever had and they should listen to every word i have to say and take careful note. Ahem..hello? Lets not raise expectations or anything? No no that would just be silly. Well given all this extra time i decided to spend it sunbaking in my backgarden in my bikini, soaking up the sunshine and listening to my music particularly loud. It seemed a funny sight to mums friend who came round the sideway to find a half naked girl singing radiohead out of tune and bopping away. That was one hell of an expression, wish i could have captured it. 'umm hello dear. enjoying the sun? Good wheres your mother?' hehehehe her friends need to chill out a bit.

Well i've run out of interesting things to comment on. The weather has been covered. :)
Until i next feel the need to vent...
xx

Silence. Another day of silence. My mind ponders what this means, and I almost know, as if i could possibly know...
Does it signify my disposal? My new redundancy? Its the only explanation i care for, simply because its the only one that doesn't suggest some fault of mine. Did i say something wrong? Or not say something i should have? Was it too much? Or too little? And do i flatter myself in the delusion that there was ever anything there in the first place? Maybe i am nothing these days, as i was nothing...always...

*let me be the first to say
i dont have a clue
dont have all the answers
not gonna pretend like i do

i haven't memoried all the cute things to say
but i'm working on it
maybe i'll master this art form someday
if i quote all the lines off the top of my head
will you believe that
i fully understand all these things i'm fed...*

She hides it all away in the cupboard. Afraid, as always, that we will laugh at her sentimentality. Afraid of another judgement, just in case its this one that breaks her. I tried to tell her it was ok, like i'd always wanted someone to tell me, but it came out wrong and mixed with her insecurity. She heard another criticism again, and again...and again...What can i possibly say to make it alright? Where do i find words that cant be wrongly construed? I smiled at her. Is the answer that simple?

Mia, how are you beautiful? How was Sydney? I'm sure it would have been great to see your family, i know how much you miss them. And congrats on the new job girl, thats awesome!! So proud of you. Sure Jessie can write on here, he's always welcome. I'd also love to see him again soon but i've lost his number. Whats his email? The "date" which wasnt a date with the park ranger guy was weird. He took me to the fanciest restaurant i've ever been to in my life. I dont know if i was meant to be intimidated or impressed, but it was on the beach with the most beautiful view so i liked it. We talked for hours and despite the fact hes a lovely guy, and quite spunky...well it just didn't work for me. Could have been the whole age issue that was a little (or VERY) disconcerting. Theres an older guy and then theres just plain old. he was the latter. I'm not one to care about age, or anything like that, in fact i'm very strong in my view that age is almost irrelivant...but theres a limit..and 14 years is well and truely past that limit. It just worries me that a 32 year old guy would be interested in me. Thats all. Strange and amusing huh? Oh god my love life is a joke, or at least my friends seem to think so. Speaking of love life...whats the deal with Matt? Since when have you two been going to the gym together. He tells me its all on? Is this true? If so why haven't i heard about it earlier?!!

By the way i completely agree with you about the September 11 thing. It makes me quite angry, but i think you summed up everything i had to say about it. You tend to do that :)

Hmm now i'm late for uni. Ah well...such is life. I should get going. I'll speak to you soon.
love phe oxo