Ok, sorry about that post. I know i was ranting. I guess i was just scared. THings haven't been so great recently, and i've been holding it together in my usual style, and needed to flip out in my usual style.

Mum is sick. Really really really sick. Thats all i know right now, that and shes going to hospital for a very long time. Peace doesn't seem as beautiful right now.

In other news, Hat is finally home. It suprised the hell outta me to hear her voice on the phone. She seems exactly the same, same old beautiful, smiley hat with that infectious energy and wonderfully artsy language. It'll be good to catch up and get to know eachother again. Haven't seen her in a year and a half and for my oldest, closest friend - thats a seriously long time.

Changed my whole outlook on life in the past month or so. I've been really embracing everything with more openness and confidence than before. When i'm out i talk to strangers, if i like them i give them my number, if i want to do something i do it - within reason of course. I guess i've stopped myself getting too involved with things for a while. I kept asking "what if i get hurt?" without stopping to answer the equally, if not more important question of "what if i dont?" Theres so much to gain from putting yourself out there, being open to newness and change. There are some wonderful people to meet and some huge adventures to be had. Theres no time for being scared or self conscious. As a result i've been so happy.

The other night for probably the first time in my entire life - i felt beautiful. It was such an odd feeling. I dont mean that i was looking especially hot or anything, i just felt this new kind of confidence, a kind of vibrance to my smile that started inside. I know this sounds wanky but its true.

Hate to say it - but maybe andrew was right. I think in restrospect he was right about a lot of things. Giving isn't all it takes, theres so much more to it than that. Haven't seen him in a while except fleetingly at Tims and BDO. Dont know if it was just me but both times seemed so amazingly strained, so uncomfortable and awkward, and for people who clicked from the word go - its really unusual. He seems really different, kinda aloof and arrogant. Or maybe its me and the fact that i'm no longer at all smitten and finding myself with nothing but a handful of memories. I miss him, which is silly, because why would anyone miss that? But these are the things i do. I hate seeing people drift, people i care a lot about. I wonder if he's apprehensive about us being friends cos he thinks i still have feelings for him. I dont. Though you cant call someone up and say "hey, guess what, i dont like you any more so can we just hang out". Doesn't work like that. Dont know how it does work, but its not like that. I've really moved on and matt has helped a great deal in restoring some sense of self worth. I guess when i see him though it does dredge up a lot of memories, i cant help but think about the baby (which would be due in a few weeks....sigh) and about other times, good or bad. Whatever and wherever, i hope he's well and happy.


Addie if you're reading this girl, my greatest greatest empathy and love. What happened to you was truely awful, that such a devastating thing happened to such wonderful, trusting person is heartbreaking. Be strong, stay safe and call whenever you need to. I'm always here and my phone is always on. xxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooo

Well thats all from me for today. I've ranted well and truely enough.

Goodnight xx

Have you ever watched someone die? Thats what i'm doing right now. Sitting here and watching someone i love slip into the greyness between life and death, and knowing eventually she wont have the choice of going either way. I'm her gaurdian, i;ve been left here by myself to watch and to bleed (not that they know it) and to somehow come up with an answer. And he'll come home and beg me for it, and be in disbelief when i swear i have none. There is no answer to this yet he will keep searching until he's worn himself out. Perhaps thats what love is all about.

Shes bleeding. Literally bleeding, not like what my body seems to be doing. She hit her head and i cant breathe in. Is it selfish for these things to be connected? Is it wrong that outside this place i am so happy? Is it wrong that i search for a way out? Is it wrong that i'm in love? Surely not. Then why does it feel like it is? Why is the only emotion that makes sense right now sadness?

I know this doesn't make sense. My brain wont slow down long enough for me to catch up.

I WISH THIS WASNT HAPPENING.

I really need someone right now but everyone is away. Jessie, Ads, anyone, please call me. I could really do with a friend.

YAY. Emma just had a beautiful baby girl called Challotte. I'm so happy for both of them, they're gonna be such great parents. Meanwhile, Nat is due in a few days. Whats with all these people having kids all around me...

Work last night was absolutely rockin. One of the nicest, happiest crowds i've ever played for.

Good Points:

- Managing to play "The Gambler" in the middle of a dance set to MacShayne down the phone and still get screams and cheers. Suckers.

- Watching the woman in the green dress try on some new dance moves. I was lying on the ground in tears it was so funny. I've never in my life seen someone have that much trouble forming the letters of YMCA. (You see what great music i get to play!?)

- Having the photographer announce a little too loudly "Oh thats how i know the groom, i photographed his last wedding". Tom found that far funnier than i did.

- Being hugged by pretty much every member in the room for playing their songs.

- Being asked by a really dorky but sweet guy to play a song that i'd only played less than 2 minutes earlier and then watching him back away slowly looking really embarrassed.

- The pouncy kid. You had to be there