Grrrr i hate when posts delete spontaneously!

Current place: My room

Currently wearing: Cords and blue chair t-shirt, unmatching socks and a scarf in my hair.

Currently listening to: Ether Song - Turin Brakes (out of curiosity)

Current feeling: Smiling so much my face hurts.

When you least expect it. THats when something crazy and untimely happens. I was wandering to uni this afternoon, minding my own buisness, or more correctly, strolling along in my own little world. I looked up and saw a guy walking towards me - "my god" i thought to myself "what a horrendously fasionable guy. When did this happen? WHen did guys start making such an effort?" And then i went back to my little world. Then i looked up again and the guy had looked up too from beneath his painfully cool hat and it was none other than Chris. Well of course it was, no one else in the universe could pull off that hat. So he grinned and came running up to give me a big hug. I immediately go shy, start tripping on my own words, fiddling with my pants and staring at my shoes. If i was looking to impress someone - this was definately NOT the way to go about it.

So anyway, we chatted for so long i missed the submission cut off for my assignment but fuck it. Hes going so well these days. Hes living in Cardigan St with Tali of all people - and he used to wonder what my problem with her was. Apparently he now thinks shes a total bitch...oh really, i hadn't noticed. Hes working at a bar and just signed a publishing deal to write this book with barry which sounds absolutely fantastic. Hes doing volunteer work with the red cross or something which is also not suprising. He tells me hes cleaned up his act considerably which i assume means hes stopped taking all those ridiculous drugs that he used to take which is great cos I used to worry so much that he was going to kill himself with some of that shit. But yeah, he just seems like he's really got himself together. It was fantastic to see him and even great to hear him apologise for the events of last year. He was like "fuck i was a jerk last year hey?" and i'm like "...well...kinda..."

We swapped new numbers and stuff and as we were walking off he called me back. He asked me if i was seeing anyone and when i said no he said good and asked if i wanted to go out sometime. My brain is screaming "OH MY GOD YES I WOULD LOVE TO!!!!" and i'm just like "Oh yeah, cool, whatever...just give me a call or something..." Well played. But then he pashes me and says "i missed you" and walks off. Of course by this stage i'm an absolute mess and cant remember my own name but i manage to sprint to John Medley and somehow fill out the submission form.

What an afternoon. So then i went to ians for a quick guitar lesson. I knocked on the door, he opens it and is like "oh hey, what can i do for you?" And i'm like "I need to learn how to play lead guitar....by tomorrow!" Tim from the background laughs and says "You're screwed" but ian was suprisingly optimistic. He taught me lots and lots of good stuff. Then i stole his guitar cos hes going up to sydney for the weekend. Great.

Ah well, i'm going out to celebrate my highly interesting day.

I dont think i'll risk the whole chris thing again. I know that sounds wussy, but seriously, i dont think i have the energy to date him. Every time we went out i'd spend about 6 hours getting ready just so my bf didn't look better than me. Thats so not me. Hes great and all, just a bit to pretentious or something. Hmm my sister would be so ridiculously happy though, she thought he was gods gift to women. Hmmm we'll see what happens....

I think i'll steal an idea off matt and do a "current" section at the start of my blogs.

Current place: The study...

Currently wearing: My jeans and a blue singlet (that belongs to zoe...oops)

Currently listening to: Nothingman - Pearl Jam

Currently feeling: Really happy :)

* * * *

So pumped for saturday, as well as ridiculously nervous. Ahh i hope they're not expecting too much of me. Well of course they're not, but still, i hate trying to fit in with something thats already established. Brads got this "wonderful idea" that i should play with them at HiFi next month. Yeah ok - NOT going to happen. I'd faint without a doubt. Been chatting to him for about 3 hours. He always manages to put me in a good mood. Today he announced that his hero was Noel from Felicity, and was thrilled when i knew who he was talking about. I love that show - and not for the reason you think!

I'm trying to do a STUPID hurdle assignment but cant concentrate. I've had far too much coffee in the past hour and i'm buzzing. It was the most beautiful sunshiney day in ages. Everyone was on the lawn again. I've missed that.
Just got off the phone to Kat who has spontaneously cut off all her hair and wanted to tell me about it. I asked why she did it and she said "Oh, you know, i was bored. Nothing was new with me so i made something new." God help us all if thats what you do everytime nothing is new.

- How is the corporeal explored? - I CANT ANSWER THAT QUESTION. I dont even understand it. For a while there i was under the misconception that i had quite an extensive vocab. Apparently not. Grrrr. Damn intellectual people.

This week so far...

Bad Things:

* Shes drunk and has been since 10 this morning
* My father has decided that i'm overweight again and is now monitoring everything i eat. Excellent - at this rate i can become anorexic, just what i always wanted...
* The fact that i have to be in bed before the time they wake up in the morning
* Still unemployed.
* That stupid morning with the traffic and the cyclist...you know the one.
* This really really really awful dream about me and andrew sitting in the clinic (that same evil one) with my/our child (for some reason) and the doctor saying i had to choose which one was going to get killed. It was bizaar but really distressing.

Good Things:

* Few sunny days
* Yay tulips. They're in the garden again!!
* Got to see heaps of zoe
* Going out with Brad and Stu tomorrow night
* Have only been to one class so far. Excellent.
* Seeing James last night. Was undecided as to which catergory to put this under, but i guess it was good. Good to see that i'd broken up with him in time for him to become an overly artsy photographer/drug addict. Good move on my behalf.
* Brads e-bay purchase of this beautiful old strat. So cheep, so good, so getting stolen.
* The coolest cd ever put together by scott in order to win me over. Keep it up. I'm sure i'll cave eventually...I'm so evil...
* LALA! I finally remembered.

Stuff that made me smile:

* Christians discussion of board games - see "hello ariel"
* The argument that tim and i had last night about PBS and unknown bands versus popular ones. He was getting all arrogant so i put him in his place. It helped that he'd consumed an entire bottle of whiskey again.
* The fact that the brand of whiskey he drinks is called "HAD". So cool.

Quotes:

* "Its funny because we both know hes a idiot" - me, about tim when he left the room during our argument.
* "No you're not, dont lie. You just came here to look at the sign" - bumpkin. God he rocks.
* "And i'm sure you have an opinion about that too - but please, keep it to yourself."
* "Why? Mazdas are great cars....(long pause)...but audis are ok too i guess..."
"Does the word backpedal mean anything to you?"

Songs:

*Croupier - The Hampdens - Yay for Suzz. Not the most rocking music ever but still, its cool to see shes made something of her amazing voice!
* Slow Down - Nada Surf.
* Since i've been around - Waifs
* Youth of Young Manhood - Kings of Leon.
* Some song i dont know the name of but i'm definately in love...you know the one :)

Books:

* Choke - So short but i'm still reading it. Good, but probably not good enough!
* Not Being Mirian - yes, i'm a suck.
* Life of Pi - well and truely strange, but excellent.
* The Idiot - I figured i had to read it sometime, the title is just so great. Rockin.

Another fantastic day. The sun was shining for a majority of it which always makes me happy. The best thing of all though was how much time i got to spend with zoe. I feel like i never see her, but i guess its only comparative to how regularly we used to hang out. We'd see eachother every day but these days its once or twice a month. Sure, shes not the most reliable friend i've ever had, and knows how to piss me off - but its funny, shes still without doubt my best friend in the universe. I love being around her because i care about her so much. Its sounds silly, but its nice being around someone that you know you'd do anything for. More than that, she knows me better than anyone, we can just sit around and laugh about pointless little things and still know what the other person is thinking.

My EF class rocked once again. I've definately found my calling. If i ever become anything other than a writer i insist someone slaps me repeatedly. Sometimes i'm blown away by how beautiful words can be if they're used in the right way, how touching even a simple image can be if it reaches you. Michaela did her presentation and it was fucking amazing. She writes with such truth and honestly, unlike most of them, not hiding behind her extensive vocab. Some of them piss me off in that they splash their words around like they're writing a dictionary and fail to capture anything at all. Whats that word marion always uses? Economy. Its true. She was writing about a son visiting his father in hospital (his father having cancer) and them reminicing about this indian couple who used to own the shop opposite them in Smith St. So simple and standard, yet so facinating and beautiful. I guess i love stories that aren't rockingly fancy or amazing, just ordinary people doing ordinary things, told in a way that makes you smile about yourself. Hmmm half way through the class i got this huge inspiration about my book, and decided to change the voice of the entire thing. i think it works though. Or maybe i'm being too ambitious. We'll see.

The drive home this evening took an hour. Damn traffic. But in that hour i worked out a whole lot of stuff that was worrying me on the weekend (while listening to ians waifs cd - which i've gotta add i actually like despite my hatred of that 'london still' song). My weekend had me sleepless last night and i realised that the one thing that confuses me most is myself. I cant work out why i do stuff and how i feel about certain people and situations. I realised that perhaps i'm afraid of my own feelings. Yes, thats a pretty weird thing to say i know. I spend a lot of time trying not to feel anything, in self preservation more than anything. I watch the pain of my family, of the abuse and sadness of people i love, and i have to tune out so as not to be hurt. And that tuning out has subconsciously extended to other things like my relationships. My feelings towards scott are so fucking empty that its weird. Heres a gorgeous guy telling me that he loves me, and while thats perhaps a little full on for me to deal with, i shouldnt just reject it the way that i do so flipantly. I'm a wuss. I dont want to feel anything back because maybe that puts me on the line. Its pathetic. You cant just go about being distant because of some inbuilt fear of getting hurt.

And as for andrew, well i guess i worked out that too. I was being difficult to him on the weekend, and not telling him what i was thinking, and if i was him i would have wanted to kill me! Good thing he's more tolerant eh? But i guess at the time i had no idea why i felt so...uncomfortable i guess is the word. Saturday night had been a weird night for me even before i met up with him and i was completely lost in my own thoughts. There is so much i have to say now. But somehow it just seems...unreasonable? I dont know, something like that. It all makes so much sense if i could bring myself to get it out. (andrew - i know you're probably reading this, which is disconcerting in itself. You once said you read it to work out what i'm thinking and i was kind of offended that you'd think i didn't tell you stuff. But i realise now that you're right, i dont say a quater of what i'm thinking. So I'm sorry for being so distant with you the other night, i dont mean to be and i dont want to be. I'm in such a talky, thinky mood that i wish you were here right now...)

I hated going home to sleep, and it just managed to fire up my dislike of my home situation even futher. Living at home is becoming increasingly more of an issue for me. I feel so suffocated. Dad is so unreasonable and uptight amoung other things and it makes me feel like a little kid. I forget sometimes that i'm almost 20.

Anyway, i've got stuff to do. Enough of this....