Currently listening to: La Cienega just smiled - Ryan Adams

Currently thinking: I wish my parents would go back to queensland

Currently feeling: Sore - i'm becoming an exercise junkie

Damn damn damn my parents are home. Its weird how stressed they make me.

Well i think its going to be a full on month. I've decided that i'm going to study - yeah i know, weird thought eh? Cos if i start early then i'm going to be less stressed closer to exams, and i'll probably do better (funny like that). Sometimes i dont understand why people care about marks, i mean i know they get you jobs and stuff but still...it seems weird. Right now i just want to know stuff, and i know that sounds silly, but i really like knowing all this information. I dont really care how well i do, as long as i pass, because to me its more about having the education. I'm actually glad i feel like that and know that its not a cop out.

Had a really nice night last night. Christian came round and cooked me dinner and we watched a movie cuddled up on the couch. Very chilled out. The night before that i went to Scott's and just hung out and listened to music and stuff. We're getting along better since i told him to give me a bit of space. Every now and then i can see that our situation upsets him and i really have to be careful to be sensitive to that. I desperately dont want to hurt him. Hes a good person and i know all he wants is a normal relationship but i also know that i'm not really up for that. My heart is somewhere else altogether, and my life a little too scattered. I cant even be consistent within myself, so how can i be constant in someone elses life. I want the next relationship i'm in to be a good one. I'm so sick of my friends thinking of me as the girl who cant stay with someone for more than a couple of weeks before i get bored and break up with them. Because i know i have the capacity to love someone completely, and to be in a really decent relationship, its just that i haven't met someone in the past couple of years who fulfils what i'm looking for. Sure, i've been with some sweet guys, but they were far too nice and not challenging enough. And i've been with some bad boys, but they were just stupid. And i've been with guys i was physically attracted to, and found them to be dumb and uninspiring. So really, its not my fault that they've all ended quickly. I see no reason to stay in a relationship if you're not enjoying yourself mentally as well as physically, and it isn't going anywhere at all. I guess chris was as close i've got to someone who made me a better person and made me think, and laugh. That just ended up hurting me. Hmmm this is a weird topic, but i cant stop thinking about it because of what ian was saying. All this stuff about relationships and love, and suggesting that i'm somehow incapable of it. I laugh these things off, but i guess i was pretty offended. I know i haven't given anyone reason to believe otherwise, so i shouldn't get cut about it, but still...Well, i'm a passionate person when it comes to literature and music and stuff like that, so why cant that passion extended to another person? Because the former stuff cant hurt me? Perhaps. I dont know. What i do know is that i'm going to be true to how i feel, if i tell someone that i care about them or love them, i'm going to mean it completely. If i'm in a relationship it will be because of a absolute desire to be with that person and not for the sake of having someone, for security or my self esteem. At least i can say that, unlike many of my friends who cant handle being single. I feel better now :)

Ah venting...

Currently wearing: My boxers and lauras t-shirt

Currently listening to: Jesus etc - Wilco

Currently thinking: I should really go to the shops cos i have no food at all...but cant be bothered

Currently feeling: Cold, hungry, relaxed, healthy but a little stressed to discover i only have 5 weeks til exams

I'm back. So much to say, so little motivation to write it. The holiday was rocking and just what the doctor ordered. While i tried to give my brain a rest by not thinking while i was there, it doesn't really work like that with me. So yeah, in the silence i got from being alone, and jogging along the beach in the evening i got things sorted a little more in my head. For the first time since it happened i felt ok about the baby thing. Prancing round on the beach in my teensy weensy bikini i was thinking "yeah, maybe i did actually do the right thing" because i realised i could do what i wanted, and i could be young and stupid and have random flings with spunky backpackers, and i had no huge responsibility and no need to look after myself. It was a weight off my mind. But it wasn't just that - it was a lot of other things. I've got something i need to do now - i just gotta get up the courage. I guess everyone else new this a while ago (as they decided to share with me), but i just had to come to terms with it myself. Its never the same when people tell you, you just have to let it hit you.

When i'm away, even for a short amount of time, i realise how much i care about certain people, and how much i love being around them. Even in a week i started to miss those people that i usually spend a lot of time with, and it helps to remind me that they are really important.

Anyway, i have a few things to do, might be back later.