I have concluded that there is nothing more satisfying to me than writing something, reading it and still liking it, and then watching someone read it and enjoy it. The way their eyes squint and crease, and the way they nod their head because here someone has just expressed what they've been feeling in words they wouldn't have found themselves, and somehow brought them a smaller step towards clarity. The way peoples smiles say "yeah, i've been there". Thats why i love writing. My words can do those sort of things. I think about how certain books have made me feel, made me think, and i'm almost honored that i can do that for someone else...well, one day...i hope.

Where is this coming from? Just watched a great video called "The Man from Elysian Fields". I expected it to be pretty bad, but i really enjoyed it.

Anyway, i'm on a roll so i'm going to keep writing if i can......

hmm another long and cold day. God damn it was freezing today, like really really cold.

Am getting over scott being so clingy. We've hardly known eachother 2 weeks and he's already on my back about not opening up to him and so on. He says he just wants to know me, but theres a lot of stuff there that i dont want him to know, that i dont want anyone to know if the truth be told. I just want to move on from a lot of it. I dont want my relationships to be bound up by stupid stuff. True, much of who i am is my past, like it or not, but there is so much time to learn that stuff without sitting down and having me pour my heart out. People say so often that i am secretive and it frustrates me because when i do say raw honest stuff, i can see it in their eyes that they're uncomfortable. i dont want to make people uncomfortable. I dont know, maybe there is a happy medium i'm yet to find. But still, he's growing clingy and suffocating, and when i tried to indicate that lightly he just got upset. I need space, its just who i am.

People rush so much when there's no need to. They want definition, comittment, certainty, right here, right now. I dont blame him for wanting security, its natural, but at the same time...I dont think i can give him that just yet. Sure, hes great...hell, he's fucking unbelievable. Twenty times the guy i deserve. But its a been a big life and paradigm changing month or two and i'm still just struggling my way out of it. I've changed i think, but i dont know if i've fully come to terms with the change. And as i've always said, the best relationships are the ones that you dont need to have. I need to work out where i'm at, and be comfortable with that before i can be with someone as self assured as scott. I just need a bit of fun for now, not saying i want to be in a casual, get fucked around relationship, just something that doesn't drag me down. Drag either of us down.

(yes, i know i shouldn't get my philosophies from TV shows but still...) On the secret life of us last night Evan destroyed his novel because he just wasn't happy with it. He said "I threw away 18 months of work to start something better" and i think theres a lot in that idea. It made me smile anyway. We've all been there, working on something forever and being too afraid to quit cos we've invested so much time and energy into it. But if we just make the move, however painful, we may just begin something that is so much better than the first thing could ever be. Like Ian i guess - in a 7 year relationship in Sydney, ended it to move to melbourne and start afresh and has never been happier. When you walk down the street with him he points at all the art and sculptures in the streets, at the people and random stuff you never noticed and says "Thats what i love about melbourne. I'm so happy i'm here." And its just great.

Anyway, just wanted to air my frustration about people rushing all the time. Bob hope stayed married 50 years to a women he married when he was 50. There is so much time for all of us. And hell, I'm not going anywhere...

First day back at uni today. The early start almost killed me. It wasn't bad though, despite the fact that my only reason for turning up to crim has changed out of the class damn it. It was really great to see everyone who i didn't manage to catch up with over the hols like sar, mexico, erin and eddie. I had my first extended fiction class and guess what - i have marion again. Shes embarrasingly gushy over me and my writing, but i'm just thrilled i have her. Shes such an amazing writer, i have so much respect for her work and her teaching, shes so passionate and fiesty. There is an absolute wanker in our class who i already hate with a passion. Not even the term wanker does justice to what a total and utter pretentious, arrogant, obnoxious fuckhead this guy is. We were all doing our intos, talking about why we're in the class and so on and this jerk (how many synonyms can i come up with?) says *insert wanky tone* Well to be honest i dont really know why i'm here. I've already written 3 novels, which i'd get published if i could be bothered, and i find writing very easy. To be perfectly honest i'm a brilliant writer and dont think i can learn much from you marion, or from the class, i am just hoping i can help some of you out." Hello? That is so completely and utterly disrespectful. We are honoured to have the most kick arse tutor ever, who has 4 brilliant books published and he comes up with this shit. And more than that, its disrespectful to everyone else in the class. I'm not exactly new to writing but i personally learnt a hell of a lot from my tute group last semester, they were fantastic! So I then maturely proceeded to correct his grammer under my breath for the rest of the lesson much to erins amusement. People like him make me dislike the arts department and creative writing. God, he made me so angry. grrr

Haha well, its actually been quite a great day, i'm feeling pretty good and bubbly. Maybe it was the whole change of scenery thing, because cheery and happy haven;t been the theme recently. I was thinking that maybe andrew was right, i should see a counsillor, despite my intense dislike of them, it might just help me out a bit. So much to get off my chest and no outlets. Maybe if i could just sit down for a while and talk, well that would be great i guess.

Well i'm feeling very drowsy. I should go.

night oxo