I went upstairs, took off my clothes, crawled into bed with all intentions of sleep...and i started crying. I haven't cried like that in as long as i can remember. I cried so much and so hard that my whole body ached and i could hardly breath. It all just fell down, in the peaceful darkness of my room i let go of this "i'm ok" idea, the one that i told myself so many times i believed it. I'm not ok. No one whos ok cries like that. My head hurts now and i feel sick to my stomach. I know this didn't all come from one event, it was building for the last few months. Sometimes we need to know when to grieve so this doesn't happen, and we dont break down. I pushed myself too far, overestimated how much i could handle and my soul is slowly paying for it. I said yesterday "..now is the time to move on, if ever there was one, it is today." How wrong i was. I've just "moved on" one too many times and this is the consequence. A tired bleary bright green eyed girl sitting in a cold room, in a cold empty house, all alone and so fucking sad. I wish this was an illness i could just sleep off. I wish that when i woke up tomorrow Jo wouldn't be dead anymore, mum wouldn't be sick, Dad wouldn't be in hospital, i wouldn't have broken ribs, zoe would be around, chris wouldn't hate me, andrew would see me, i would understand all these things i'm meant to be learning, and i would enjoy it....but that isn't going to happen. I really dont want to dwell on what isn't and will never be, but how else do i get past this and let it go?

“Sadness is different from melancholy. Melancholy is merely the absence of happiness, sadness is the existence of grief.” Thats the way he put it didn't he? And he would know, i could see it in his eyes every time they so much as skimmed over the photo on the mantle. I never knew what to say to him then and now i realise why...there's nothing to say in a time like this. You've just got to let them be sad, hold them, let them know you love them, and say nothing. It passes, this empty feeling, i know because i've lost somebody before. Even the knowledge that sometime down the track your heart wont feel like its been ripped into a thousand pieces doesn't make it any easier, right here, right now. Right here and right now i want to cry but i dont think i can anymore. I'm glad i let it go, behind closed doors, because maybe tomorrow my just be a little bit easier, a little bit brighter...Spring is coming, the daffodils by the fountain are up, its still cold but the skies are clearer. I hope soon that my head will be also...

And so another day passes...much like the last, and the one before that, and the one before that...cold and long. Today i learnt many things and was happy. I dont think i've ever learnt so much in one day, about the world and politics and whats going on around me. I know that sounds simple, but i felt content, satisfied that the day had been worth the stress.

I looked forward to the evening and night so much. I'd mentally dedicated it to myself, to doing something fun as a kind of reward. Dads away in hospital, nothing serious, so its ok for me to be thankful for this peace. I though that with him away i could do anything i wanted, see anyone, get home whenever...Then in the afternoon andrew called. It was very nice to speak to him and he made me happy as he has the annoying ability to do. i smiled the whole way through torts for no particular reason and was again angry at myself. We organised to do something tonight, just hangout after his hockey training. I looked forward to spending time with him, to chatting and whatever. I wanted to see him so i said no to other offers that sounded fun and like a good night out and waited for him to finish training. He called at 11 ish to say he wasn't coming, he was tired and had a headache. I understand why he would be, he's always so busy and i hope hes actually taking care of himself. So i sit here on "my night", my free and fun night...in front of this same old screen. Frustrating how nothing turns out the way i plan.
I want so much to vent about a lot of things but tonight it feels cold just typing. I think i need people, or just a person to talk to rather than the keyboard or paper... They're all out at places i said no to. I just laughed out loud then but i dont know what's funny...funny like that...
well goodnight world, i think i'll go crawl into bed and do some staring at the roof, try not to think too much or feel too much. I'm not tired but what else is there to do right now...goodnight...

As always, there is no nice way to say that someone has died. We fill up our language with ten thousand words to describe a feeling, but an event has generally only one incarnation. True, i could say that she has passed on, moved forward, departed this world, is no longer with us. But in the end, it all boils down to death and girl gone cold. got old, perhaps, before her time, since she could not wait for nature to take its course. and in the end, what remains is to let go of grief, give peace to the living, and go on. i'm not even sure how to feel about it, myself. she was not happy, had not been happy for as long as i had known her. she laughed, she smiled, but those are very little, in the end. it is easy to go through the motions of a dance, but that does not make it dancing...

I heard of Jo's death today. Tears gathered thickly in my eyes and ran not down my cheeks but back inside my head and drowned my mind until it was just as cold and lifeless as her body when they found it. And so the void grows. But now is the time to move on, if ever there was one, it is today. I will not forget or stop caring, but even in death life goes on and if you stop to greive too long, you loose the opportunity to hold someones hand who needs it more than you do. My love to you Mia in this time of great sadness, may the memories of her life give you strength. Jo, forever rest in peace and the sweet solitude you sought...

* * * *

It's stones in the water, ripples that spread outwards. jokingly, months ago, i encouraged a passing acquaintance to forget his solitude long enough to take the chance at finding a world beyond the gates. we walked for five minutes, talked and walked and laughed. and that was it, i promptly forgot it…after all, it was just a passing fancy and cynical as it may be, i take it for granted that you cannot tell people to stop being who they are. but then again, it is the exceptions that keep me trying, give me the faith to go on being who i am. I ran into him again today on the lawn and, low and behold, he has a girlfriend. he went beyond the gates that night we talked, went to a party at a nearby college, met a girl, and they've been dating for the last month or so. I smiled like i haven't for a while.

if only everything worked out that easily. i am conflicted these days as to how to deal with problems that once i simply treated with kindness. if someone was sad, i gave caring and that was that…it didn't matter, i didn't write them off as being drama queens or angsty teens, i just cared. but what does that do? if you care when someone is sad, you risk reinforcing sadness…teaching the child to get attention by acting out, rather than just giving them random attention and loving all the time. how can i tell her that i care and that i would like to her, without reinforcing that having a problem is an acceptable way to get caring from people? i try to remind myself to simply care without bounds all the time, but it is impractical…i get spread too thin if i don't simply spend more time helping those who seem to need it. it's exactly what so angered me when i was younger, that those that SEEM to be happy and well-adjusted aren't always totally secure. the squeaky wheel gives the grease but what about the ones that suffer in silence, that don't tell anyone the problems they are having? yes, there are kids in the classroom acting out, adult drama queens with their miserable eyes and their poor-me stories, but there are also people who are terribly unhappy with themselves and their lives, that get no support simply because they refuse to become clichés and drains and dragdowns. the alternatives to treating that squeaky wheel is treating everyone with a little oil, which leaves your spread too thin, or treating no one at all, which leaves the world cold. still, it is partially just melodrama…in reality, we do what we do what we do, try for the best and get what we get.

It was a bitterly cold day. As i walked through the park there was a frost in the air that was just like chipping norton in the depths of winter. It was a bleak day too, long and draining, every movement requiring more effort than it has in a while. Even just to smile and feel positive was exhausting. I can blame that on lack of sleep if i want to, but thats just an excuse, i know the truth and its more complicated than that. Tiredness is overwhelming but i cant let myself be tired, there's so many things to do and not a moment of the day can be wasted simply because my mind tells me i cant take it. I'm not tired and i know it.
I'm lonely again. THe ever pervasive void growing and consuming my thoughts. I dont understand how someone with so many friends can be so lonely all the time. WEll i can, i dont know why i say that.
Now i am tired. i'm going to go.
sorry that i'm boring.

Hey mia
Long time no speak. Glad you could join me here. Cant stay long either, should REALLY be going to bed. But i just wanted to say hi and that i hope all is going well in Mia land. Andrew is not a lover, just a guy who i got involved with a while back and now strangely wish i didn't...whilst simultaneously wishing i could be with him still. Like most of my relationships its complicated and strange, but unlike most of my relationships (as you'd know) this one felt right, i liked this one...i liked him... a lot. Its kinda getting me down because for once, when i felt like i could make a start towards something beautiful, where i could share a lot with someone, and probably a long time with someone...it was the guy who thought otherwise.
Anyway, uni is ok. Its tough and often senseless but its ok. I feel like for once i'm really being challenged and whilst thats a full on shock to the system, i really appreciate it. I'm learning many new valuable things and most learning every day how amazingly ignorant i am about so many important world issues. Heres me, the girl who only ever wanted to make a positive difference, stumbling along mindlessly hoping that some selfless act will solve the worlds problems.
But enough of me...how are you? Whats new? What are you thinking about and dreaming of and hoping for? What rocks your world or pisses you off at the moment? I've really missed you too, you've always known just the right thing to say...when no one else did, the only one who didn't know me...said just the right thing.
take care beautiful girl, dont break too many hearts or glasses
phe*

The day unfolded much as expected and predicted in the earlier post. I shall summarise it in brief;

Good points:
• Fixed holes in shoes with packing tape, suprisingly comfortable.
• Parents out
• Made new friend at uni by the name of Dave
• Found courage to eat violets - suprisingly tasty

Bad Points:
• Nazi totalitarianism and modern lit lecture
• Mum
• Ran out of coffee and was forced to start the day with decaf

Things that made me smile:
• Rainbow boys new haircut
• Price of petrol at Phe’s discount petrol station (aka safeway petrol) thanks to kind attendant

People I don’t like today:
• Luke from AAPT customer “care”. Listened to my witty and charming stories and comments for twenty minutes and then openly refused to give me my PUK code (I still don’t know what that is either). He then informed me it was for security reasons and had the gall to ask if that made me feel safer about my phone. I less than politely informed him that safe was not high up on the list of pervasive emotions at the moment and that pissed off was currently topping the charts. He still refused.
• Connex man at Melbourne Central with power issues. Its not my fault that you cant fix your fucking validators.
• Couple pashing next to me in lecture.
• James Joyce for writing Dubliners.
• Dad – I AM NOT OVERWEIGHT
• Andrew

People I DO like today:
• Safeway petrol boy as he will now be known
• My new spunky friend who I’ll be seeing a lot more of
• Man who gave me seat on train
• Ben - Laughed all through lecture and made me laugh
• Louisa – cool accent
• Convenient parking space – not a person but still wonderful..
• Packing tape - also not human but a really useful thing...
• Kierkagaard – for making me feel better about boredom.
• Andrew

Today’s words: phantasmagorical, anachronistic, syllogism

Today’s colour: Lilac – not because of the colour but because of the name. Is that allowed?

Today’s saying: Yeah I guess..if you want…(I’m sorry – its back! Thanks michael)

Today’s songs: 1000 miles (sentimental reasons only) Dancing in the moonlight (found my CD!!) Pretty woman (it was on the radio and ROCKED!! hehehe)

Favourite book: Residencia en la tierra, haven’t finished it yet...

And that is my day. But its monday night and that means good television so i'm going to go and dull my brain with some intellectual viewing...

Well well...my own internet page thingi. I never believed that such a thing would exist. I feel kinda special. I'm hoping this can be a more public version of my diary because i dont think that it can be spontaneously erased from my hard drive or anything...which would be a nice change.
Today, like every day for the past few months, is cold and I am once again entirely unimpressed. Soon i will be forced to venture out into the street where the reminance of Autumn has clogged the gutters, diverting freezing streams of water into unfortunately place pools along the footpath. Inevitably, by the time i reach the station, that same water will have found the many holes in my shoes and be seeking refuge in my once dry socks. I will, once again, remind myself of the need to shop for new shoes, and then endure a soggy and cold afternoon with much discomfort. (i acknowledge openly that new shoes will not be bought for some time.) The station will be much as i left it yesterday, damp and writhing with blue uniform clad school girls (name unmentioned) obliviously amidst the same highpitched conversations they were engrossed in for the past few weeks. The monotony of this life is incredible sometimes.
Last night i told myself it was time to do something about this life of mine. The eternal "i will improve" promise that lasts for a day if that. It lasted for approximately 6 and a half minutes, at which point i lost all self control. But i'm not giving up. I even went for a run this morning, to the protests of my arm and ribs and any other part of my body. I think its still trying to process the large quantity of alcohol consumed on the weekend. I make a mental "note to self" to stop drinking and then stop and walk up a slight incline which i will call a "large hill" for the sake of my self esteem. i feel better as a result of this run/walk/exhausted stumble and think i'll do it again tomorrow. i make myself laugh.
So uni today. For one whole hour. And they call this being a full time student. What else to i do for one hour a day? Eat? Watch television? Exercise? At this rate i could call myself a full-time athlete, or full-time eater...though that title is a little less flattering. Hmm one whole hour of crap aka modern literature, in which i will be told what to think about those books i haven't read (because some twat hasn't returned them to the library and the librarian insists i cant borrow them anyway because i havent yet returned "Aunt Julia and the Scriptwriter", that ridiculous Chilean novel i borrowed two years ago and probably sold at the second hand bookstore for 50 cents). And so i'll sit there and listen to them disect Joyce and Lawrence into some highly influencial post war statement about the anarchy in the world. Then as i read in the reader yesterday, i'll learn how Nazi totalitarianism and the atomic bomb somehow managed to alter the syntax of the post-modernistic artists and we'll all be thrilled that still we can observe vague strains of the strength of feminism that overcame all the depression and misery of the world. God i'm a cynic but honestly, i dont care, i feel stupid saying that but i dont care, i just want to read and write...i want to remain ignorant god damn it!!! No thats not true, in fact today i'll make a special effort to find something i find remotely interesting in the lecture (if i can move the focus off my wet socks for a moment or two).

I wonder if anyone will ever read this. I dont mind either way, because even if they do somehow stumble upon this page i doubt they'll stick with it for more than a second or two. And if they happened to, why would it matter, there's little chance of them knowing me or ever meeting me and its not like i've got around to saying anything scandalous yet. I just searched my brain for anything scandalous i could say and was saddened by the fact that my life is esentially boring. But this whole blogging idea is cool, kinda like bolt but broader. Andrew indirectly put me on to this. I was just reading his and his friends page called Sunday Morning. Its highly amusing. I love reading rants by frustrated intellectuals who are articulate enough to say what they're wanting to say and yet make it entertaining. Andrew wrote well too, i was impressed and i dont know why. I mean its not like i never knew he was intelligent or anything, i suppose its just that i've never seen anything he's written. It made me smile...and then want to kill him for various reasons. I haven't really seen him for a while, well not properly for a week. Thats not really a while but strangely i miss being around him. Everyone, including him, has been so busy recently and i'm getting lonely. I dont see my friends often enough. I suppose i got to see zoe and cam on saturday for a little while, before they returned to their funky hotel room and i drank too much free alcohol at purps while trying to avoid my boss because i wasn't working. That was a challenging task.

I haven't been busy because i cant do alot of the stuff i usually do. I haven't been working, or playing hockey, i haven't been to dancing in god knows how long and i'm sure they're going to kick my ass when i finially do go back - if at all. I haven't been doing much uni stuff, or writing, or whatever it is that usually fills up my time...and its mostly because i'm in a lot of pain. I tell everyone its getting better, that it doesn't hurt so much anymore but fuck i can hardly move without getting tears in my eyes. I should be bandaged up like my doctor said but i dont want to make things worse, i dont want to draw attention to it. It kinda sucks. But hey, i'll recover eventually. i just wish people would stop asking what happened...theres only a certain number of times i can say "its a long story" or "i dont want to talk about it".

Well well this is getting to be a long entry, by my standards anyway. I remember thinking last night that i had about 30 things i had to do today and when i got up this morning i couldn't think of one of them - possibly deliberately. oh i remember some of them...most of them consist of buying things, with all the money i DONT HAVE!! Time to quit my job and become a bank robber i think.
Anyway, i think i'm boring myself now. I'll probably be back later on tonight, when my parents are out and i'm lonely again. Maybe someone will come over...like andrew...hmmm that would be nice. I'd like to call him...but i wont. For various reasons. AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
On that note i'll be off..