Listening to: Pixies - I dont know what its called

Thinking: "I wonder if you can miss someone you've only known for a day" - a quote from a friend. That and this tea is excellent...i dont normally drink tea, but i should.

Feeling: Blissful, content, sleepy.

What a wonderful, wonderful week. And again i reflect on how beautiful everything seems when you're feeling good, how all the positives stand out so much more, how its so easy to smile for no reason and lots of reasons all at once. I'm going to try and attempt to not go all dreamy and let my writing wandering in and out of artsiness but i just want to record how happy i am.

This week has seen the beginning of a lot of changes, mostly internal, and mostly as a result of how free i am at the moment. I'm making an effort to work through problems i've been having, facing fears, actually doing those things i say i'll do, like exercise and writing and going to the gardens with picnics. I guess when you do what you plan to do, you feel as if the days are worthwhile.

I donated blood today. When i get like this i tend to start thinking about those people who aren't feeling as cheery as me, perhaps those people who are going to have a lonely christmas, or who are sick. If i felt like this all the time i think i'd be out trying to save the planet on a daily basis.

Great night at rockroom last night, good music, good people, good alcohol. AND I met a guy. I guess at the time it never seems significant but you really never know what a fleeting moment may be the beginning of. It may be just the first in a thousand unfolding moments after, or it may be the one and only time you meet. I have a very strong feeling this is just the beginning. His name is Matt. He is particularly good looking which always makes me assume they are dumb, arrogant, jockish or all of the above. Indeed he is quite the opposite. Hes intelligent and articulate, and adorably sweet. We went out tonight, or more correctly i went to his going away party and we talked for ages. Hes going to Aspen on Saturday for a few months. It was actually kind of sad. When he walked me to my car he kept saying "god this just isn't fair. Why couldn't i have met you ages ago?" It is unfair, and frustrating, but he'll be back and we can take things from there i guess. I've just been so unlucky relationship wise this year and then i finally meet someone who i think i could stand being with and he leaves the country. Or maybe thats the appeal...knowing me - it probably is. I hope he has an amazing time.

Then...it all doesn't seem right. Andrew drove me home last night, and came in and so on. We fell asleep for a while, and he had his arm around me, and i just slept so soundly. Then when he left half an hour later, i couldn't fall back to sleep. My bed felt big and empty. As in denial as i am, i know i still have strong feelings for him, perhaps more than i'm willing to come to terms with. Its difficult feeling this way about someone who doesn't want to be with you on more than a physical level, because you have the tendancy to feel a little bit stupid and pathetic. Even though its not like that - its still a fairly overriding thought process. It got me down for a while, not only self esteem wise, but just the general fact that i'd love to be able to make him happy and i obviously cant. But then you move on and you realise that things will do what they're meant to do, evertually.

I kinda hope he doesn't read this anymore because these things change from minute to minute, and i justwrite whatevers on my chest. Sometimes its nonsensical, and sometimes i dont even mean it. I just write.

Well, i should sleep because its very late, or very early and i got about 10 minutes sleep last night.

Feeling fine. I'm all hyper and bubbly now. Why? Well i just had my first singing lesson. As in i just sang in front of another human being, with a microphone and didn't pass out. Amazing. My vocal coach (yes, must use wanky term for singing teacher) is a real sweetheart and made me feel really comfortable. That is until i realised he is an ex-member of CDB. Then i was just amused.

Nah it was cool and he thinks i'm good, which is just him being polite but still...

Am getting progressively more sick of these guests and their kid who i've decided has ADHA. Seriously. If he bites, kicks or climbs on my one more time...but hes so little and cute. Grrr. They've spread themselves all over the house and Dave leaves his false teeth in my bathroom - THAT IS NOT COOL WITH ME.

I'm going to be 20 soon. THats really scaring me. I dont wanna be old. 20. Ahhhhh.

Looking forward to the party. Have images of myself running around in a grass skirt, a lay, and drinking cocktails out of half a coconut. Strange i know, but i can see it...

Brief entry i know but too hyper to concentrate...

I went for a wander in Allens yesterday and found myself playing the most beautiful $200,000 steinway piano. It was just stunning and it reminded me how much i miss playing. Yeah, guitar is my thing and i love it, but i was always good at piano and i miss being really good at something musical. Its nice to just be able to sit down and play. I've spent a lot of the day playing, and its amazing how quickly it comes back to you. I'm glad i did that.

I have three adults in my lounge room yelling at a DVD "Bananas in Pyjamas! Noddy! Blinky Bill!!" repeatedly. Its quite strange, especially considering the two year old is just sitting quietly. We have guests from england staying which is driving everyone mad, because they're just so weird. I dont like people i dont know in my house, they make me uncomfortable.

Think i've got a job DJing too, which is rockin. I look forward to having people request music i detest and having to seem enthusiastic about playing it. Either that or i'll just pretend i dont have it. That would be more me.

Went on a 'date' last night with Nick, one of Rono's friends. It was kind of strange, but then again, dating as a concept generally is. We just went out for dinner and then back to his place because he wanted to watch the final of six feet under (which so scored him some points!) He was ok, intelligent enough, quite a gentleman and a super spunk, but he wasn't much in the charisma department. Perhaps he was just a little shy or something. I dont know, i guess i just like guys with a little more spark and energy, who'll argue with me and stuff. He didn't seem the type, but what can i really tell from one date. We'll see...

This month is going to be craziness. I have about 700 parties, gigs, concerts and christmas related festivities. My party saturday (thankfully people are cancelling cos of other stuff on so we'll actually all fit in the house - maybe) and then my birthday a few days later. I've got Jase's and Sas' 21sts, Daves 25th, Mikey's 23rd, Leigh's thing (i get to be a football bimbo which is cool), as well as working and christmas parties. Oh and i'm also going to Christina Aguilera thanks to Tim whose VISA convienient expired and he gave me his tickets as a b'day present. It should be excellently skanky and quiet entertaining.

Speaking of concerts, i must say again how fabulous the BDO line up is. I have to go get my tickets sometime.

Metallica - Not a fan but excellent viewing
The Strokes - Quiet a fan but wont be able to see anything through all the teenage girls...shut up, i wont be a teenager in about a week.
The Hoodoo Gurus - Shut up i like them
Muse - not too familiar but they're poms so should be tolerable
The Dandy Warhols - Yay!!
The Darkness - Also yay.
The Flaming Lips
Jet - Love em
Magic Dirt - Dont care either way
Something For Kate - Little over it
The Mars Volta - Dont know them
Basement Jaxx - Kinda cool ish
DJ Afrika Bambaataa - Who did what now?
The Datsuns - Also kinda cool
Kings of Leon - Rockin!!!!
Peaches - Should be good. This girl kicks
Black Eyed Peas - Sadly, i like them. Ok, i just have a crush on the chick, shes smokin
Aphex Twin - Andrew made me have a certain fondness. Hate their filmclips - all of them
Luke Vibert
Gerling - Meh not bad
Lost Prophets
Salmonella Dub - hehehehehe
Thursday
David Holmes
The Butterfly Effect - Hmmm
Downsyde - If you like hip hop
Friendly
Scribe
The Sleepy Jackson - get off...no seriously, get off.
Blood Duster
PNAU
Pee Wee Ferris
Skulker
Sonicanimation - Aren't they dead yet?
1200 Techniques

Candice Alleys name is not Candice Alley. Well ok, it may be now, but it didn't used to be. It was driving me crazy because I swore i recognised her, but not the name, and that explains it. Hey, i'd change my name too if my family name was disgraced by drug trafficing in coffins at their funeral palour. I went to school with her, and i still remember her siging in assembly and getting chills (these were in the days she was a decent singer!). And we used to muck around in the hall singing mariah and stuff over the mics - cos we were just so cool!! Haven't seen her in years. I'm so glad i finally worked it out, it was bugging me.