I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS PARTY!!!! Nat just called me from NZ cos her and kieran are over there to get his visa renewed when he comes back, and shes flying back just in time!!! I am just so thrilled that she can come! And potts just called to say him and brett were coming down from the country to come too. All these people i haven't seen in forever!

I've got July on my mind. Its been so many months but i haven't even talked about it, just tried to forget it and move on. I dont do so badly at the whole ignoring its existance thing, and for most of the time i can almost believe it didn't even happen. Yet from time to time it comes back to me, hits me, and i stupidly bring up all the internal debates that i was having at the time. I know it achieves nothing, but that doesn't seem to get through. Last night i even cried about it on my way home, but perhaps i was just over tired and suffering the effects of a stressful week.

Andrew and i haven't talked about it since. I wrote one long email, to which he replied with "yeah, it sits with me strangely too" and thats been the extent of it really. One night i called him, a little distressed and said i wanted to talk about it. He said it wasn't a good time, and that we'd catch up the next day for coffee. He cancelled and the topic has been avoided since. I dont know why. I should have just talked to the counsellor they tried to make me see, but in my true form i was stubborn, and much prefer my friends to any person paid to tell me how to think.

Regret. I guess it isn't regret at what happened so much as how and why. I'm not going to say i made the right decision, because i dont believe there is such a thing, but perhaps the most appropriate decision for the time. I dont think my action could ever be inherantly right and it certainly doesn't feel that way. I feel any regret comes from how i made the decision and the central reason for it. True, i still agree with it and feel that way completely, but it wasn't a decision made for myself. It was entirely based on someone else. Good decision or bad, it wasn't mine and it wasn't what i wanted. Thats the only thing that upsets me, and it does so a hell of a lot.

To think back on it dredges up some pretty horrible weeks. I was in the middle of that insanely huge and difficult essay, my family was falling apart, romantically things weren't happy and i had glandular, which was making me excessively tired. I was stressed, unhappy and unwell. THen right in the middle of it i got that news. My whole body and mind shut down. Andrew was sweet to me, but he had his own things to deal with, in terms of work and katie, and i was nothing but an inconvienience. He never said that directly, because he wouldn't, but thats what i was and i knew it. I hated even calling him, or texting and then calling :) I just wanted it to all go away, in fact i wanted to go away, to disappear. I hope to god i never feel like that again in my life.

Damn what am i doing. I've gone all teary. I dont know, i guess i just felt like if i couldn't talk that writing would help. It hasn't really. I'm going to go.

Ah sweet sweet summer. Wal's pool is finally finished and we initiated it today. I know where i'll be for the next 3 months. It was so good to catch up with those guys again -rono, hauser, morgan and alex.

Good points of the day:

* 31 degrees and sunny
* Wals pool
* BBQ
* Sitting around doing nothing
* Wal wearing his mums sunglasses
* Located super cheap kegs for partay thanks to connection at Tooheys
* Story about matty G at Naughto's last week, trying to pull his own beer across the counter and leaving the tap running for a few hours, flooding the back bar and having to pay for 3 kegs.

Bad points of the day:

* Sunburnt.
* Morgans girlfriends high pitch squeals and baby talk - ugh.
* Chris is in hospital getting a plate put in his face which got shattered when some guy punched him for standing on his foot.

Already had 3 queries as to who thats about - nice to know you're paying attention! The answer is that its mostly creative, kinda doing a character thing, kind of drawing on some real things. Its a bit of a blend.

peace

SLEEPING

I watch the way the morning light falls and flickers shadows obscurely against the wall. And you sleep, always in a completely different world, always with the peace of having not slept in weeks. My mind that prevents me from sleeping whenever you're around turns to reflecting on all the things you said the night before in a drunken, enthused stupor. I know that if you were awake, and could read my thoughts, you'd laugh at me for over analysing things, push my hair away from my face and move on as if everything you say means nothing. And perhaps it does. Yet still, i pause on the way you talk about the future, so concrete, and so often containing me. An untrained mind not as my own would be fooled into security by how certain and comfortable you seem with the concept of a year from now, or two, or twenty. It isn't a lack of sponteneity, and if i were to be condecending i'd say it naivety if anything, but perhaps its just your sweet optimism and one of the many things i love about you. Things change, and as the song says - we're always changing, but theres something about you that forgets it. The mornings when we bathe in languor and the intertwined scent of poetry, sex and cigarettes, i see no moment past the one we lie in, and ironically it was you who created that doubt.

I think of all the things i'd say if the situation were different, if you weren't sleeping, if you weren't indifferent, if i didn't already know your response. And i think of all the things you seem oblivious to, and find it hard to comprehend how such an intelligent person can be so blind. I wont tell you these things, ever, because they will achieve nothing but a selfish relief. It would be a lie to say that dont think about telling you every time you're around, and it would be a lie to say that i dont wish you knew. Still, we make out choices, and our moves, and perhaps my move is to do nothing.

I care a lot, too much perhaps and always have. People claim that my passion is a virtue, but virtues are always relative and how virtuous is something that drains me so much that occasionally i find myself numb to everything else. I temper it around you, outwardly, but when you sleep you sometimes make pained noises, like little whimpers, and everytime i flinch and check that you're ok. And if i know you're tired, or over worked, or hurting about anything i seem to feel it all the way down to my stomach and hurt for you. I'm am overwhelmed by this side of myself, thats so departed from the human nature of self preservation, but more than that, i am pleasantly suprised.

I cry from time to time over you, not so much these days, but still sometimes at night, or when a song comes on the radio that makes me think too much of you. I know you wouldn't want that, but the release is theraputic. To know that i'm allowed to feel it, just for a moment, is really important. And i know that you wont understand this, and perhaps think i'm crazy, and thats why its my secret.

Sleep, and i will sit and watch you quietly, torturing myself with how surreal it is. I never imagined you there, tangled in my sheets, but i'm desperately happy that you are. And i will drink my coffee until the morning wears on, and last night wears off, and you wake and disappear with your lyrical words into a day already half lived. I wont cross your mind and you'll wander in mine and on and on and on...

- This is something i scrawled down, i dont know what its mean to be. Just me crapping on i guess.

So very early. So few hours sleep.

Saw an absolutely rockin gig last night, probably the best i've seen since my SIS boys...who incidently should so come to melbourne soon. But yeah it was andromeda and the panics. I've seen andromeda a few times and have been quite impressed. Sianna (who brad has a serious crush on) has a really amazing voice and their guitarist kicks arse. I got introduced to the panics by Glen, my fav WA boy who is marginally obsessed with them, and in the past i've felt if i heard the CD again i was going to hit him with it. I hadn't seen them live until last night and i was pretty damn impressed.

The thing i love so much about live music (of this quality) is the vibe. The place was just packed with hundreds and hundreds of people having a really great night and getting really into it. I love watching how much fun the bands have too. Makes me want to jump on stage.

Then afterward ursh and i went searching for Seona both at her house and work. Shes just disappeared off the face of the earth and ursh is stressing out of her mind. She has both her phones turned off, her home phone is disconnected, she hasn't been to work and she isn't at home (we know because we broke into her apartment block in the middle of last night and i took great joy in singing the mission impossible theme while we did so). Its strange because its just not like her to do this, even if shes in some sort of trouble she isn't one to run away and she'd probably call ursh before anyone else. We could be worrying unreasonably but considering the crowd she hangs out with, the amount of drugs she takes and the places she works there is reason to be concerned. I'm sure she'll turn up soon enough and just laugh at us both for worrying so much.

Well i cant see it being a particularly rosey week. I've got the task of driving mum everywhere and not letting her out of my sight. Its really depressing. I cant even leave the house, i just have to sit here. I hate my family sometimes, why cant they work out their own shit, i'm so fucking sick of having to look after them all. Might be able to escape the house to go to room or something tonight, just to get out, because i think i'll need it by then.

I've been up since 6. I didn't get home until 3. So tired.

I see...so thats why my posts are deleting :) oops

Number of interviews i had today: 5

Number of jobs i got: 5

Number of those jobs that i want: 0

Number of those jobs i'm hideously over-qualified for: 5

Number of those i'm taking: 0

What a truely annoying day. I hate going to interviews and talking to the managing director of a company and knowing full well that i could do a better job than he could at running the whole thing - yet still having to suck up to get a shit kicking job as his assistant. THey're all so fucking stupid and sleezy and.....AHHHHHHH.

Him: So are you a people person?

Me: Yeah, i'm pretty social. My friends say i know everyone in melbourne.

Him: Yeah, i bet you've dated half the boys in melbourne too.

WHAT THE FUCK? I almost choked right there in his office. What a jerk. Who says that and how is that even remotely professional?

I am so over this...

This just in: Prue just had her baby. A tinsy weensy little baby girl, whose name is truely horrid, and will haunt her for the rest of her life. Marielle Briony Coutts. What were they thinking?!

But anyways - YAY! And whats totally cool is that Prue is doing really well.

Thought i'd record that.

In other news:

- Six feet under tonight was awesome and i am eagerly awaiting the season finale next week.

- Seeing andromeda and the panics tomorrow night at Ding dong...wooooohhhhhhhhooooo.

- I am so getting these jobs tomorrow, well at least one.

- I am seeing leigh tomorrow - gag. I wonder if he's purchased a brain recently. Hope so.

- I am slightly stoned

- We just ate 10 pancakes and i feel very sick.

- I am so not tired.

- Ripley ate my shoe, sort of.

- My partay is going to be MEGA and i'm actually quite concerned about the number of people we've invited (300+).

- Kill Bill is over rated. Apologies to any obsessive film students who failed to notice this.

- No word rhymes with 'Silver' - yes, seriously, you try writing lyrics when nothing bloody rhymes.

- I am much looking forward to my move to NY. It will be so...yay.

- I need to buy me some sunglasses

- I need to stop eating pancakes

- I need to shut up and stop typing useless notes.

THANKYOU AND GOODNIGHT

I LOVE YOU ALL.

Currently listening to: blonde on blonde - Nada Surf

Currently thinking: That i hope desperately that i get these jobs...kinda!

Currently feeling: Sleepy, but ok i guess.


Lalala...haven't updated properly for a bit, perhaps because the idea of being near a computer and constructing sentances gave me scary exam flashbacks. My weekend:

Friday night

I was pretty tired so i thought i'd have a cruisy one but there was no way i was staying home. Instead i decided to go to 'SO' and have a drink with Ursh and Dave. Dave is looking so well these days, its just so great to see him relaxed finally, and so in love. Its really beautiful. Anyway, so i was just chilling there and i because its a hotel bar there are a lot of people there by themselves. We all got talking away andi find myself sitting with two of the wealthiest people i've ever met in my life, drinking insanely expensive wine and so on. One of them looked familiar, which isn't suprising, because i soon found out that he was Roberto (insert french surname here), one of the biggest fashion designers in the world. Did he have a lot of shit to give to Saba. Hehe...he also runs this massive modelling agency in Europe. The other guy was a just a buisness man, but seemed to own every company/property in the world. They were the most bizzar eccentric pair i've ever met. So with the two of them (yes, 50 something year old men) we trecked down the road to a bar that Roys son owns. Its not really a bar, more like a members club thing, where we were made to sign documents promising we wouldn't tell anyone about the place. It was just incredible and such a spin out.

Saturday

Made the trek out to Dingly to Daves place, which was fair because we go there so rarely. We had a BBQ and watched the rugby, while Sar and Jase complained the whole way through that it was much too long. Continued drinking and playing pool until the very very early hours of the morning (cos Bumpkin insisted we stay up for the league final too). It was all going well until Sar finally told Christian that she was with Jase, which he had a big sulk about and then went into complete denial - something very entertaining for me who new everyones side of the story. But it was a fun night cos those boys are crazy and i am very much looking forward to my party, even if my favouritest people cant be there :(

Anyways, i'm still on the job hunt. Have appointments galore tomorrow, which i'll send myself crazy rushing to and from, but hopefully something will come of them. Its weird, they're both full time and i find myself wondering whether i really want them at all - or whether i just want a part time job so i can spend time at the beach. Hmm...

Was a pretty bad weekend in terms of family stuff. I think its really hit an all time low, which corresponds to a fairly all time low in my ability to deal with it. Not a great combination. I'm just really over the whole thing.

Another thing i'm over is a certain person in my life and the way he seems to view me and my existance. Its so totally self centered, rude and fucked up. Our whole interaction seems to revolve around when he feels like calling/seeing me, and exactly what he wants to do. What sort of relationship is that to have? If you think about it, its just plain disrespectful and insensitive. I only put up with it because i usually dont mind making sacrifices for people i care about, but there is such thing as taking it to far. Its getting there quickly, and i'm just not going to bother any more.