I know you're reading this, and while that upsets me i want to say something:

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DONT MOVE OUT!!!!

I need and love you so much. I know i whine on about sacrifices, mostly cos i was having a shocking day yesterday, but all those sacrifices are negligible. I wouldnt care if i never saw him again if i would mean you would stay. I again dont know all the right words to say, and cant write for long but i need you to know that even though you're doing something very very bad right now, something that upsets and hurts me - I DONT CARE BECAUSE YOU ROCK MY WORLD, YOU MAKE ME HAPPY, YOU MAKE EVERYTHING OK WHEN IT ALL SEEMS SO CRAP. I know i dont tell you this enough but i'm going to, every second until you promise not to go anywhere ok?

Have a good day my favourite person in the world.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ok, so i'm back. I'm in the library doing a con & admin module, although i'm struggling and not in the mood for feeling stupid today. I'll do it over the weekend or something, when i'm more on the ball. Law is hard, it really is.

Had lunch with zoe today. Good to see her, strange (as is the nature of this week), but good. I miss our closeness, i miss having a really close female friend and mostly i worry about her and what her relationship with cam may have stolen. THats a negative way of looking at it, and i know its more good than bad, i just have trouble seeing it like that when i remember the vibrant, excited, energetic and free spirit she used to be. Shes all grown up now and i'm not sure i like it.

THen i spoke to ian on the phone. Of course the topic drifts back to Dave and the situation and how i'm feeling. I'm so lost for words at the moment, a feeling of helplessness which makes me ultimately uncomfortable. If my words fail me, somehow i feel like i'm screwed. Today i was angry about the situation. Not for selfish reasons, but because i see how much its hurting D. I'm sick of making sacrifices, and more, scared that this sacrifice will haunt me, linger and be a bad idea. Ian said that he'd felt bad about stopping it, but then realised that everyone else wasn't cool with it either. Having confirmed this to be not true within the house i enquired as to who he refered to. He said brooke and anyone else he'd spoken to. My whole body just erupted with frustration and sadness and anger and fed-upness. Its none of their fucking business. If people within the house are uncool, by all means, because it affects them - but not a random stranger who doesn't know me, or dave or half of how i feel about him. THats not a valid argument, saying that someone outside the sphere feels it a bad idea. I know its a bad idea. I'm not that fuckin stupid. I also know i haven't felt like this in a while. But noone seems to care about that.

Christian is sitting near me, reading the bombers website and occasionally flipping back to the module. Its about Freedom of Information and the irony made me giggle outloud in the silence of the computer room. People keep looking up at me like i'm writing some thesis on the subject. THey're all so damn smart. Smarty pantses. C and i are having a 'chat' during the break, if there is such a thing, and i dont even know what i'm going to say. Every part of me feels weird about this situation.

I'm so happy for him and urs, i really really am. I couldn't imagine either of them being with more appropriate people, its just so close to home and my worlds have not only collided, but have smashed together head on, at high speed and given me one big jolt. Why? Because christian means the world to me, he knows me better than anyone, he loves me and i love him dearly. Urs is a good friend, but i'm not on the same level, and the whole situation makes me....i dont know.

Jealous. THats it, i know. And envious. I guess envious is a better term. I wish i could be in the same situation. I wish i didn't again have to sacrifice the thing that makes me happy. I wish it were simpler, better, easier.

I'm outta here, the clicking of everyone else writing the right answer is going to send my crazy.

I love you all xxxx

The strangest of strange weeks.

In one of those grooves where i dont know how to feel about anything or anyone. Its been a great week, dont get me wrong, an amazing week really. Just odd. Saw the brunettes on Sunday who were fabulous. Looking forward to one hell of a weekend, with the whole crew back together again for Warfeys partay. I intend to write myself off and stagger to hockey sometime on sunday (have i mentioned i'm back playing? I dont think i did - well, no story, the just needed me.)

I think my soul is going to fall apart at the seems if i have to look into those eyes for another second more. His sadness reaches inside me and i wish i could be the one to make him happy. We've spent the last few days with our hands tied behind our backs practically and its draining us both. More later, i'm late for a meeting with two muy sexy chicas.