Actually had a great night last night. I hadn't really intended to have a late one, just planned to rock down to the barley corn and see brad and stu and then go home. But of course Tor was there and she and Brad headed on to room and so i went along as well. I'd had a fairly unpleasant day so just wanted to chill out for a bit. At room i ran in melinda who i haven't seen in a couple of years. Shes a sweetie. Had a good dance and a long chat to Brad, who is an absolute darling. Hes a bit of a...dont know the word...nerd perhaps, but hes got a good heart and is the ultimate gentleman.

Saw zoe today for the first time in ages which was also cool. we just hung at good ol marios and then for some reason in the glenferrie rd car park - a place i seem to be doing a lot of hanging out!! She was kinda freaking me out though with all this talk of marriage. You see, shes the bridesmade at Kate and Sach's wedding, and therefore has been involved in all the planning and looking at magazines and so on. I think its getting to her. Kate and Sach are only 23 and i think this is projecting into zoes mind that its normal and healthy. I dont know how to feel about that really. I mean she and cam are great together, honestly i dont know how the hell they put up with eachother, but they have for years and love eachother to death. I cant imagine them ever breaking up - but everyone says that. I kinda hope that she doesn't rush into it for various reasons. Cam is the first guy shes been with properly. Hes the first guy shes dated for longer than a week, the first guy shes slept with and so on and so forth. That isn't a reason to break up, sleep around and whatever, but it does cause me a little bit of concern. I dont want to see her waste (perhaps too strong a term) her opportunity to party so hard she can hardly walk, to do stupid things and not care, to be amazingly passionate about being independant and so on. I saw that happen to my sister in many ways, as a result of a starting a long term relationship at a young age. But Zoe is such a beautiful girl and i believe she'll be cool whatever happens.

For as long as we've been best friends shes seemed in this exceptional hurry to grow up. She wants to get out of uni asap, to get married, have kids, have a good job and settle. And thats cool, if it makes you happy, but i think thats where we are the most different. We're very similar in a lot of ways but i know personally that i've got a long way to come as an individual before i step out and start making life plans. I'm happy being irresponsible, and drinking too much, and going out way too often and having 6 months holiday a year and 13 contact hours a week. Its not something that should go on forever, but god, at the moment - its a wonderful lifestyle. I know eventually i'll settle down and develop a little more consistency in my life, but not now.

At the same time, despite saying all this about wanting to be irresponsible, today i feel more mature than i think i ever have. It really hit me earlier and its a strange feeling. I dont know where it came from, but perhaps i just feel a little more at peace with what i'm doing. I am confident in my own views at the moment and that makes me feel stronger, and as a result - more mature. And this will undoubtably change tomorrow or the next day...

Changing the topic for a second - i saw senorita bolton today at Marios. Shes so cool for a teacher. I can tell by the way she talks to me that i've always frustrated her, just like i did all my teachers. Everything i say she shakes her head and says "Oh nina..." I dont know why, perhaps its that whole 'potential' buisness that my teachers used to go on about. I think i've said this before but i dont believe in the idea of potential. Its about what you do, or dont do. Because part of potential is the drive to achieve, and if that is absent, so is your potential - if that makes sense at all. I used to hate the way they'd all sit me down and say "now felicity, you have so much potential, you just need to focus, concentrate, put in some effort". And what they meant was that i had the potential to be whatever it was that they thought valuable, not even pausing to think that maybe i was completely content with doing things my own way. Yes, i was a little opinionated and feisty at school, yes i was disorganised and hopelessly unreliable, yes i talked too much as was stubborn as all hell - but i had it worked out in my own mind, and i did things how i wanted to. I'm glad i did that too, because in the end i topped my school and had the absolute satisfaction of saying "screw you all, cos i had fun in the process." It was kinda cool to see her though, she was always one of my favourites. I mean i gave her hell, but thats what being a student is all about. I'll never forget her face when gytis piped up "vengas con el paquete?" during the oral exam because i'd written it on his folder. Undoubtably on of the funniest things i've ever seen in my life, and one of my prouder school moments...

Its weird thinking about school...it feels like it was so long ago.

Should go be more productive, just procrastinating.

Wow, things have really picked up speed. Felt like i wasn't achieving anything recently, but today has been crazy...

One of the first lessons i remember my dad teaching me was that i could never ever rely on anybody but myself. When he first told me this i found it quite sad, this whole lack of faith and trust. Faith is something that has always been very very important to me. However, this afternoon i am beginning to believe he was right. I dont want to get to that point though.

Today I am feeling very let down by a few certain people. One of these people is mum. Its funny, she has always been, in our eyes, one of us. The older i get the more i grow to be hurt by what she has done and is continuing to do. I see her actions for what they are these days, and they upset me incredibly. Not only has she been drinking again, which makes every day for the past 2 weeks, but shes been drinking from the same bottle that i trusted her to throw out. I didn't tell dad because we dont have that sort of relationship, and i asked her to tell him so i didn't have to. She said she would - and she didn't.

A recent explosive point is how often she sleeps. Dad is getting increasingly pissed off that she does nothing all day. I know what happens if shes in bed when he gets home and its not pretty. So every afternoon this week i've woken her up at 4 ish and said "i might suggest you're not in bed when dad gets home" and she says "yeah yeah" and goes back to sleep. At which point, dad comes home and all hell breaks loose. I in turn have to deal with an angry fuckhead of a father, an upset mother and stupid screaming and shouting the entire night. The lack of dicipline really gets to me, and even more so that fact that i've made it clear how important it is to me that she gets better - and still, she does nothing. Nothing at all.

I feel so let down today. I am struggling with my study and a tired heart, and all i wanted was a quiet house. It seems that such a thing is just a dream for now...

Let me not loose my faith completely...

Sometimes when i step back from this blog i am suprised at what i read. Not suprised at myself, or what i do so much as suprised at how i articulate it all. Recently its been so bland, so much a description of my daily activities, and not at all about the writing itself. This is unlike me, considering that its the words i love so much.

I've been adjusting my style recently, well, more correctly it has been adjusted slightly in my attempt to define it. Marion was urging us to find and edge behind our writing, and its something i know i have, in fact i attribute my writing 'success' if you will, to this individual style. But what it is precisely i have no idea. I feel like i've always known how to write, though i never trusted what people had to say. I remember the first time i saw my work published and could only feel embarrased that my name was on the page as well. Like in many things, i wanted more from myself. Thats not such a bad thing in the name of progress, though a little sad in the name of self esteem.

I'm feeling more confident when it comes to showing my work, and i know as shallow as it is, it has a lot to do with the positive feedback i've been recieving. I let Emma (from class) read 'Girl' and she loved it, apparently. That made me glow a little.

It was a truely beautiful day in every sense. I felt good, although a little thrown by my dream that was close enough to reality to fade the border between sleeping and waking. I saw Eddy at uni and felt like i'd already seen her, and just caught myself before i made a comment about how we keep running into eachother. Anyway, i let myself indulge in writing for the entire day without paying the slightest bit of attention to the classes i was in. When i wasn't writing i felt sort of as if i was drifting about. The sun was shining, the air was clear and everyone was buzzing. Days like this make me happy and i always find myself smiling for no particular reason. I feel energised by both the sun and other peoples energy. I can tell i wont sleep much tonight.

Something that is baffling me recently is the number of guys who seem to be falling for me. I cannot even begin to comprehend this. I know when you dont know someone well you project your ideals onto them and stumble in with the hope that they are what you want. So often you are disappointed because as Chuck says "nothing is ever as good as the way it is in your mind. No one is ever as beautiful" (although i acknowledge he was talking about sex). But yeah, these guys are driving me crazy. 7 (yes 7!!) guys in the past 3 days have told me how much they like me, and all but one of them i couldn't be less interested in if i tried. Its not that they're losers, its just that they're mates, or haven't really spoken to me at all so how could they know. I wonder what it would be like to be one of those really really beautiful girls. This would be happening to them all the time, just worse. That would really suck. I know it kind of sounds stupid to say that, and i should be incredibly flattered (well i am to some extent), but it just drives home a frustration that the people i really, really like are the only ones who dont reciprocate. Well, mostly. Ah its incredibly frustrating. Then again, i could be in a situation where nobody likes me, and that would definately be worse. I am suprised though, honestly, but i know that if they got to know me the interest would wane in most cases, because i'm not the most...normal girl. I have an insane passion for things like music and literature and if you're not interested in it then i'll drive you crazy and bore you to death with my ramblings. I have issues, mostly pertainting to letting down my guard and self confidence, and they do inevitably get in the way of my relationships. I think perhaps i should start sending out a newsletter to these boys covering my faults, flaws and confessions of various debauched activities. For example:

Confession: Today in the car i found myself singing to a Britney song. I occasionally enjoy crappy pop music.

Confession: My last diary entry was only 15 words long. 7 of these were 'Fuck' or variations on this word. I'm not as articulate nor polite as you might like to believe.

Confession: If you try and compliment me i'll probably brush it off. This will eventually drive you insane until we get in a big argument about it. Trust me.

Confession: I hate sexy underwear because it's seriously uncomfortable.

Confession: I dont shower as regularly as most people - seriously. This is not gross or unhygenic, and i dont smell, but it freaks some people out.

Confession: On the above topic - i once went almost 4 months without a proper shower. I had dreds and bathed in water holes.

Confession: I am a coffee addict and if i dont get coffee within an hour of waking up i turn into a bit of bitch.

Confession: I'm slowly slipping into this whole new venacular which induces me to use words and expressions like "yo" and "rockin" on an annoyingly regular basis. Soon i will master the art of not using any proper english words in everyday conversation.

Confession: I like Karaoke.

Confession: I love to dance, and even if you dont - i will make you, to the point that you embarrass yourself for my own enjoyment.

And so on and so forth, trying to be as undesirable as possible, and perhaps in the process destroy any illusions of class and sophistication. Its an excellent idea, and the whole exercise is quite cathartic.

Anyway, moving on....

Tonight at dinner dad annonced that he had to "be brave enough to change what he can, serene enough to accept what he cannot, and wise enough to know the difference." It was completely out of the blue. Completely. So used to writing his words off as fuckhead banter i almost choked. This man is a contradiction. He wants to become a Quaker, much to my combined amusement, doubt and admiration. I'm skeptical that he'll follow through, but to have the thought itself means hes contemplated the ideals and agrees with them. That in itself blows me away. I too agree with them, but i never saw that side of him. He and mum studied at the Yoga institute in India for ages, were hippy vegetarians who did Krishna meditation and i presume smoked copious amounts of pot. They are spiritual people, somewhere behind the scars and so on, and i wish i could connect with that. I desperately wish i could forgive him, to have faith, but i just cant. I hate that about myself.

Confession: I dont like my own father.

Confession: I'm going to bed now...ok, not so much a confession as a fact.

Fact: I'm going to bed now. Goodnight world.

Clarity. Its such a beautiful day, not very warm, but at least its sunny and reminds me that its not going to be this dreary melbourne weather forever. Cant wait for summer.

Well overall it was a good weekend. I wrote the word clarity because that sums up what i'm feeling. I got about 12 hours sleep last night, probably more than the entire year, and i feel great because of it. My mind is clear and operating properly for once and i have all my thoughts figured out. Had a long talk to a few people who really helped me articulate what was going on. Things are finally looking up at home, because finally people are taking action and its not me. That makes me so happy. I cant say i have complete faith that things are going to get better, but at least its a start. I desperately need things to improve. I can only hope...

Managed to miss class again this morning, although thats no big deal, probably wouldn't have listened anyway. Dont think i'll go this arvo either, might just enjoy the day. So much for that big rant about getting my shit together and actually working. I figure i can pull it off though. Or thats the plan.

I've already started planning this summer. I've seriosly gotta get a job, and i dont care what it is any more. Just not hospitality! And i've got to spend as much time as humanly possible away from my parents. Zoe and i might spend some time down in indented head hopefully, that is before she and cam go to Sri Lanka (i honestly dont know where they get the money!).

Anyway, should go and do stuff. Yes, stuff is good...

Oh no
here comes that sun again
that means another day without you my friend
and it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself
and it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else
and its so hard to do
and so easy to say
but sometimes
sometimes
you just have to walk away
walk away

so many people to love in my life
why do i worry about one
but you put the happy in my ness
you put the good times into my fun

we've tried the goodbyes
so many days
we walk in the same direction
so that we could never stray
they say if you love somebody
then you have got to set them free
but i would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery

and its so hard to do, and so easy to say
but sometimes
sometimes
you just have to walk away
walk away
and head for the door
you just walk away
walk away
walk away.....
just walk on
walk on
turn and head for the door....
walk away

damn i love this song...

Listening to: We haven't turned around - Gomez

Thinking: That if tomorrow is the start of week 10 then i have some serious work to do tonight!!!!!!

Feeling: My eyes hurt from reading all day. Other than that - hanging in there.

Well, i feel like i should say something about the whole Bali thing, considering the rest of the country is. The thing is - i dont really know what to say. It was a sad sad sad event, something that will linger in the minds and hearts of all those affected for the rest of their lives. It is something that made me loose a lot of faith in people, and something that re-inspired the ever important memory of loving those we have with us. I remember how i felt when i saw leighs mum on the news crying and my heart just gave in for a second. It killed me. I hope all those people out there who are hurting today have someone to comfort them. I also hope people do not feel anger. I dont know why i say this, except that i still strongly believe that anger only pepetuates such acts.

Anyway, moving on. Had a big one last night, really really big. It was kind of a strange experience with all the army regalia, the uniforms and saluting and marching with flags. One of the stupidest traditions of them all was that you couldn't go to the toilet during the dinner which amused me greatly - especially seeing the pain that breece and christian were going through. Another funny moment of the night came when i was sitting in between breece and warfey and with true class they both started running their hands up my legs and up my dress. I was freaking out, but not nearly as much as they did when they touched hands. They both leapt back from the table, looked appauled and embarrased and said nothing about it. Excellent. So after the dinner and hanging out at the Mes (a period of time i really dont remember except for playing pool badly) we all kicked on to the ever favourite Puggs. Once again it did not disappoint. I actually dont remember much of this part of the night either, except for Christian again being a drama queen and leaving in a huff. The next thing i was conscious of was waking up in a bed that sure as hell wasn't mine. I almost had a heart attack. I was like "umm...ok, who are you and what am i doing here?@!" Quite funny. I swear i picked up a gay guy, it is just not possible that he was straight. YOu should have seen the house, absolutely spotless, perfectly decorated. I was amused and hungover. But he was sweet and got me water and told me where the hell i was and what had happened. Apparently, in true style i'd innocently asked if i could go home with him because he rode a motorbike and wanted to be dropped off on it in the morning. Haha sounds like me!

Have had a cruisy quiet day where i just slept and read. At about 3 i got a message from Scott that said "We need to talk - in person. I'm leaving tomorrow and i have a few things i need to say and you need to hear before i go." I got all worried because as my mind tends to do i just assumed something really bad was going on. So i drove all the way over there to discover it was really nothing serious afterall, and have no idea why he couldn't have just talked over the phone. Grrr

And thats about all i've done. I think i might have a presentation tomorrow but i'm not sure. I really hope not - cos otherwise i'm screwed. I could just miss class but i really want to see Erin. hmmm

Anyway, tired now.

ciao