Its 6pm. I just got out of bed. Cheers to holidays.

Last night was a write off. I dont remember anything, and something tells me this is a good thing. It was ex-boyfriend central last night, with 4 ex's in one room (flashback to bond night where Michael, Chris, Mark, LaLa and Andrew were all there). So i took the mature approach and drank myself in a stupor and which point i was unable to communicate with any of them. I always have such good ideas. But other than that i had such a damn good night. I danced away, sang lots, told bowen exactly what i thought of him, had a quiet (i thought so at the time anyway) word to badge re: everything that happened, introduced myself to every single person in the room i didn't know (the names i remember are: Heidi, Don (or John??), Amy, Josh and Mike) had skulling comps with Igor all of which i won and was generally off my head. Excellente.

Anyway, what i'm getting at is that today i endured the worst hangover of my entire, slightly alcoholic life. At one point i was seriously considering hospitalisation, and that is no exaggeration. Why do i do this to myself? God knows, but i dont doubt it will all happen again soon.

Quotes of the night:

Me: "I swear i know you. Where do i know you from?"

Andrew: "Breakfast?"

- Turns out he was matts brother. Good thing i found that out before i started hitting on him, could have resulted in one awkward morning.

* * * *

Bowen: "What time do you need to be home tomorrow?"

Me: "What? No time. why?"

Bowen: "Just wondering what time i had to drop you home"

Me: "Oh that wont be an issue."

Bowen: "Whys that? Nothing to do tomorrow?"

Me: "No, its more that there is no way in hell i'm going home with you."

The look on his face was gold. The guy is such a twat.

Twat is a seriously underused word.

Anyways, i'm much excited cos bumpkin is finally home. To the pub...somebody kill me....

So I've been reading about American slavery, drinking with some Apaches and watching women primp and babble like trained monkeys, thinking all the while about the permanence of our actions.

When I read The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying awhile back, there was one line about every moment mattering. I took this to be obvious and dismissed it at face value at the time but the pleading tone of the line shot through my head like a neon sign and stuck in my memory. I understood what Sogyal Rinpoche was saying but I didn't really get it until tonight.

Personal experience never fades- it's always right there tucked away in your brain and follows you through every motion of every day, popping up and pressing you back into some vivid impression of a past moment should something strike the right chord. Every time you've sat through an uncomfortable ordeal, consoling yourself with the notion that this-will-all-be-over-eventually you've been fooling yourself because somewhere in the back of your mind you're still experiencing it.

Action is no more transient. Motion ripples. You will continue to reign in subtle influence long after you are dead, up until the universe is silent and cold.

So many years ago some guy cut off the thumbs of a twelve year old boy because he was black and had learned to write. A man raped a woman because she had the gall to go out alone. A soldier killed a civilian because 'the only good indian is a dead indian.'

I could list pages of injustice but I'm not big on emotive manipulation. The point is it takes so little to break so many. One swooping attitude can set in and centuries later a black man has no chance in hell of becoming president, women act stupid and dependant to appear lovable and native americans still grapple for a place in their own homeland.

The chain of thought and behavior has been passed down at the back of so many minds through every generation.

This is why we are so fractured- not only in America. The rift between the Aborigines and the white Australians is glaring from every corner of Fremantle. Everywhere we are picking up the pieces of past anguish and smattering them with the same patterns of indifference, and with less and less meaning every time we take it all as given.

I know this must seem obvious, but in all honesty this is keeping me awake.

Addie girl, you're an angel.



Anyways, it seems like so much has been going on. This week i caught up with Potts and Brett which almost had me in tears i was so happy to see them. When my phone rang it was a private number, so when i answered i was greated with screams of "YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS CHICA?!!" Well, didn't take long to work it out! Damn i wish brett lived in melbs, you dont meet to many people as cool as him.

I've also spent a lot of time organising the move out, calling centrelink repeatedly and the like. It all seems to be falling into place...slowly. Its an ordeal, and to be quite honest an ordeal that is entirely unnecessary but for the irrationality of my parents, but still, it is making me happy. Every now and then i get flashes of me, breece and staff cadet warfe (and now potentially MacShayne) sitting around having a beer and talking absolute rubbish. Or me and MacShayne rocking out and dancing round the house. Or just sitting on our porch with Breecey after a big night out. Those boys are crazy, no question, and party much harder than anyone else i've ever met, but underneath it all they're absolute champions, and sweet as hell. Living with such great people will be good for the soul.

Went to Puggs last night for the first time in way too long. As always, had a really good one. I saw one of the bouncers walk into a wall accidently and couldn't stop myself from laughing. He goes "shhh you saw nothing" and i said "saw what?". And so for the rest of the night he kept coming over to say hi and walking past saying 'shhhhh' and stuff. Later on i was ripping up a coaster into tiny pieces (i do this often) when he walks past and goes "you know what thats a sign of?" and i said "yeah...what are you doing later on?". The look on his face was priceless as he stood there trying to work out if i was serious or not. Anyways, Snai and Snac got completely wasted and proceeded to yell 'MacShayne' at random people. We also ran into Alice, so Snai and I had to explain (drunkenly) our facination with her, and how it resulted from that fucked up drug we took that made every single person in the street look exactly like her (yeah, try that for freaky). Generally it was a night of highly immature behaviour and again, for the 4th time now, being politely asked to leave (this was after complaining to the band that they couldnt' play and were getting all the chords wrong.....well they were and it was a disgrace).

Things with Matt are good and i'm slowly beginning to work him out. I'm still a little throw by the fact that he actually likes me but i will take my luck and not ask too many questions. Guess its just lack of self esteem talking but there are those people you write off as out of your league and it suprises the hell out of you when they show interest. Anyways, i probably should just leave it for the time being, god knows i'm not up for a relationship right now. Well i am, i'd just screw it up. Seems it will be lots of coaster ripping for me for a few months.

Oh and one last thing. I wanted to vent about this last week but didnt get around to it. I was slowly getting more and more pissed off with people writing me off as a bimbo, or a dumbass or something just cos i'm blonde. I overheard people talking about me the other day and heard "felicity?" "yeah, you know, the barbie girl". What the fuck? So then i was out, and i wont mention her name, but i ran into a good friend of a good friend. Shes one of those mega cool rock chicks, who wears black all the time, with black hair and a kinda outward surliness, but she seemed nice the first time i met her. So i say hi in a really cheery 'we know eachother' kinda way and she completely give me the cold shoulder, a very obvious fake smile, makes a kinda breathy 'ehhh' noise and turns away. I happen to know we have a lot in common in terms of music taste and attitudes and stuff but simply cos i was wearing a mini skirt (not black) and have blonde hair i'm suddenly not cool enough. I wanted to slap her, but that wasn't going to win me any points i guess. I also have this overwhelming desire to prove myself to her, make her see that i can rock as much as she can, but i realise thats stupid. Grrrrrrrr. And thats why it wins the point of annoyance of the week.

Anyway, this is a really long post. I should get outta the house.