JUST A THOUGHT

A homeless, lonely, sad man sits a doorway and contemplates another long night of silence. The world seems to hate him and passers by are scared that he might attack them. He's a book whos cover is so often misread. A girl walks past, smiles kindly and says "hi".

Buisness man sits in a cafe waiting for his girlfriend to turn up. Just got a payrise or a promotion and life is grand. Girl walks past, smiles kindly and says "hi".

You can never possibly understand exactly what you mean to another individual. Dont think that you couldn't mean anything, just because you haven't known eachother for a long time or share things in common. Everyone needs something, if you fullfil that then you can be their everything, their world and the little bit a brightness that makes them smile. Even if its just for a fraction of a second...after all, the most beautiful things in the world are often fleeting. 'Heaven gives its glimpses only to those not in a position to look too close' - frost.

Comprehend the power of your words and actions, and in a second you can make someones day.

HELLO SUNSHINE!!
Its not like theres an abundance of sunshine outside but there sure is inside. I'm back. I gave myself a good talking to, listened to some awesome music, danced around the house and its all good again!
So whats new here? Ummm well, i've started my novel - finally - and i'm pretty inspired and excited. I've already written 11,000 words and i've only had the idea for about 2 days. Unfortunately this sudden crazy writing bug has taken over my life and i am no longer able to do anything but write, write and write some more. On wednesday i forgot to eat lunch and dinner because i was so obsessed. Its like 'aliens' all over again...Ah well, holidays should give me a lovely opportunity to write without distraction. I think i should run away into the hills with a typewriter (a computer just isn't as quaint) or perhaps sit in brunetti's wearing a beret, smoking and drinking tall, double strength, low fat, cinnamon latte's with a note pad and a pensive look on my face. Either way, i'm convinced its the key to success.
Ah dear, i feel so happy all of a sudden. I dont know what it is, or why i wasn't like this last week, but damn its good.
Bought a new CD today, upon Andrew's recommendation and i like it a lot. Little scared that my mum does too, but hey, i suppose i got my good taste from somewhere ;)
Eddy's party tonight, should be good but i cant stay long. have to drive M and D to the airport at some un-godly hour (4am), get up, play a hockey grandfinal, get drunk, go out with bill whos in melb for the afternoon, write two essays, think about packing, have dinner with alana, go party with team to celebrate our victory and come home. I think i'm gonna be wrecked by Sunday. Ah life is great isnt it!?
Pact is still going well despite many individuals quests to ruin it. Sexy, token American, backwards cap, abercrombie & finch wearing, east cost college boy Brad from my history tute asked if i wanted to "Chill with him sometime. You know, hang at Starbucks and grab a coffee?" Ah dear, the conspiracies. hahahahaha...
Well i should think about going out now shouldn't i...

Well well...closure. I suddenly feel a million times better, could be the coffee but i think its something else and i think that something else is closure. All i needed. Andrew and i had coffee today, just then in fact and it was good. Good because i realised what i couldn't realise without seeing him and good because i'm over it. There were a few things i needed to say, and i suppose i got a few of them out - my head is clearer now. I had to see him platonically for once, because up until today not a time had passed where we'd seen eachother and hadn't at least kissed. I couldn't move on until we'd been 'just friends'...but i have and its good. Suddenly everything is better, weird like that...I kinda know that despite all pleasantries and 'i'd like to be friends' it aint really gonna happen, which is sad because i still like talking to him, but hey, you cant have everything. :)
I could write forever at the moment but it would just be boring drivel.
For now... its enough to say i'm happy again. Frustrated as all hell but happy...nice feeling.
goodbye.
xx

Oh for fucks sake. I dont know what my problem is...one minute i can be strolling through the windy streets feeling free, alive and happy, preaching to myself about personal strength and the future, and the next i'm crying again and unable to sleep, eat or think. At least i've finished my essay- excellent - and hour and a half before its due, now theres timing for you.
I cant wait to get away from this place and back to the beach. I want to put this stress and disappointment behind me and do cartwheels on the sand. I want to run along the beach at sunset, or have barbeques by the pool in the evenings with simon and leigh. I miss being really happy and i'm so god damn sick of this depression, self hatred and stupid destructive thinking. Sometimes i just want to jump off something high to see if i really can fly like greg said...although i get the impression he was being metaphorical...funny like that.
Sometimes i think i must have done something fucking awful in a past life. Or maybe karma has crossed wires. I know lifes not bad, in fact i'm bloody lucky in many ways, with good health, education and living in a country relatively free from political turmoil and war...but all the same, i live in walls that are so sad. My family is desperately unhappy, my friends are amused by my life because the only times i open up to people they end up hurting me, and recently whatever i've tried to do has backfired. Its not from lack of trying...but maybe i try in the wrong way. I DONT KNOW. SOMEONE TELL ME?!?!?!?!?!?! Ah stupid search for meaning...enough of this, its all useless and will only make me more depressed.

I'll record my little pledge here - for a while, 6 months at least, i'm going to steer clear of getting too close to people. That way i figure i cant get hurt anymore. So as truely unhealthy as it sounds i'm not going to open up to anyone, prevent myself from caring particularly about one individual, and completely cut myself off emotionally. I think its the only way of stopping this...maybe i'll get some sleep this way...

Fuck. I just read over this. I'm messed up today aren't i. I'm messed up this week in general.

Oh wells...such is life and the universe....