"My life's gotten simple since.
And it fluctuates so much.
Happy and sad and back again.
I'm not crying out to much.
Think about you all the time.
It's strange and hard to deal." Ryan Adams

Well yeah, i guess thats appropriate. I miss him. He might have been a puppy, and then hurt me, but i thought about him every single day and missed him terribly.

I was sitting there tonight by the river, sipping cocktails and enjoying the evening when my phone beeped. I checked my message and it was from mark asking if i wanted to drive down to the beach tonight and have a surf in the morning. I though he must have just sent it to the wrong person cos i believe i recall the words "I never want to see you again for the rest of my life". But no, it was for me, and apparently only me. It made me cry i was so happy and so excited. There is so much i want to say to him, so much catching up to do, so many unanswered questions. I ran home (and almost died as a result) and was just about to leave when dad went mental.

So yeah, i wasn't allowed to go. I know it does seem strange, but all i could think was how great it was, how this was the best thing to happen in forever. I want my friend back so desperately.

I called him to say i couldn't go (after he'd waited a few hours for me) and it was so weird to hear his voice. It was so the same, so sweet and gentle. I couldn't even explain how much it had meant to me and when i asked if we could catch up tomorrow he said "maybe". I hope maybe means yes.

What a strange night. I'd planned a big one but i left so i could go. I'm kinda angry that i'm being so suffocated. I'm getting outta here soon though, well soon enough.

Dont know if NY is still a go cos i got my results today and they were truely dismal. Dismal may even be a generous term but at least i passed (which i didn't deserve).

I'm going to sulk in my bed now.

Goodnight. :(

God damn famous people. I'm having a quiet drink at SO, my always reliable, cruisy, friendly bar, chatting away to some buisness people and this canadian guy when all of a sudden theres a high pitched scream from the street. Within a few minutes the bar is packed, security goes into overdrive and who sits himself down next to me but a sweaty, smelly Robbie Williams and his drunken father. He says "G'day" in his most appauling australian accent and seems to think that because he's famous he can just annoy me as much as he pleases. All these women were lined up at the window yelling and jumping up and down, and hyperventilating. I have no idea why. He is just disguisting and arrogant, but still, i politely chatted, cos hey - at least he made me look cool and had everyone wondering who i was. Eventually i got up and moved seats to escape but at this stage people were wanting to talk to me. I end up chatting to The Sleepy Jackson, and trying not to mention how much i dislike their music. They're all pretty out of it and as i'm on my way to the toilets I see Shane Warne (interesting collection of people eh) and he yells out "Hey bond girl - i know you". You're gonna hope so considering how much time i've spent looking after him, still i was kinda flattered and kinda disturbed. I'm walking through the hotel towards the bathrooms, when all of a sudden Robbie is behind me again and launches into a scarily loud rendition of some song that i now cant remember (much to the amusement of hotel staff). Insert another high pitched scream from the crowd outside and Robbie turning to me and saying "you'd think they'd have better things to do with their night". I found that quiet funny actually, and it kinda scored him some points back. His dad was very funny, and they were pretty cute cos they just clung to eachother all night.

So after seeking out a really quiet night i end up getting mobbed by people. Later on I find i more relaxed end of the bar and find drink after drink getting placed in front of me care of various strangers, while dave is laughing his head off at me and the slightly overwhelmed look on my face. I get talking to these two guys, who i swear i recognise, but really cant remember who they are. Some musicians...hey who knows, but they were cool and down to earth and not as drunk as everyone in the room.

I'm tired now, what a full on night. To bed i go...mmmm bed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

Everyone has forgotten, so i am celebrating inside my head :) Well, ok, not christian or my sis but most people. Oh and matt called me from Aspen, that was sweet.

Yay i'm 20. I dont know if its yay...but sorta.

I'm getting dressed up and going out...

Listening to: Wish You Were Here - Ryan Adams (Just got Rock n Roll - So GOOD!!)

Thinking: I'm never taking drugs again...again

Feeling: Like i've had too much cake, tired, partied out, happy :)

Well the party was excellent, with no disasters. There were about 250 i'd say, throughout the course of the night, which meant it was uncomfortably packed at around 11 but either side was a decent flow of people. By about 2 it was ok again, and cruisy. I had a really nice time, even during the day. I was a little disappointed with some no shows namely zoe, ursh (who it turns out was really sick so shes excused), erin, potts and katie. Tis cool though, will see those people soon no doubt. The night culminated with me sitting on the roof, spliff in one hand, beer in the other, watching the sunrise through the city with U2 playing appropriately inside. It was just one of those moments. The stillness, the peace across as far as you can see and the movie soundtrackesque music. I was so content.

Still overwhelmed with Ians present. Nobody has ever given me something so sweet and thoughtful. Its not the value i care about, its how desperately he wanted me to have it because of how much he knew it would mean to me, and how happy it would make me. I guess he'd seen me pining over the guitars in music stores, and atempting to steal his at every given opportunity. But really, what a sweetheart, he is just such a lovely, generous person. I've spent most of the day playing it, and even if it isn't the most perfect guitar ever, i love it to pieces and have found inspiration already.

Had a nice dinner tonight with Dave and Abi, Kat and Andrew and Mum and Dad. I was thinking (for not the first time) that it was sad that it was my birthday and i was the only one partnerless, like i always am at christmas dinners and stuff. People love pointing it out too which is kind of them. I dont care that i'm single, and i know that my family is unusual in that my bro and sis have had the same partners for over 6 years, but still, it would be nice to have someone there with me. I dont know whether thats just so they wont make jokes about it or what.

PARTY HIGHLIGHTS

- Dom's passed out position
- The comment "How can you be tired when i've had so much speed?"
- The way the tequila was opened (straight through the lid with a knief)
- Tim trying to walk at about 6 in the morning yelling "fuck this fucking gravity"
- First keg didn't see midnight, second didn't see 2am.
- 7 bottles of spirits polished
- 5 slabs plus other randoms all consumed
- 6 grams of speed
- About a kilogram of pot...well ok, not that much...
- 70 sausages (yeah, and they laughed when i turned up with them. Ha, and people were STILL hungry).
- Strange guy who looked like cletis (the yokel) who just kept apologising to me all night for no reason at all.
- Liz, who is a rockstar when drunk
- Kiki and the german dance
- Calling Ian at 6 this evening and asking if he was ok and having him reply "Yeah, i'm just still drunk, we all are." The party was still kicking on a day later. I love it.

Pick-ups:
- Nath and some random irish chick
- Tim and George
- Kaitlen and german boy
- Nick and Ange (again)

People i'm really glad came:
- Nat
- Jasey and Nath despite being uninvited
- Dave and Abi
- The german guys from the hostel
- Andrew
- Wal, the keg master!

People i wish hadn't:
- Bill, the worlds greatest conversation stopper
- Bec - were we friends in highschool? No. Likelihood of us being friends now? Zero. Why was she there? No idea.

People i wish had:
- Matt, if he'd been in aus.
- Zoe and Cam
- Ez
- Andrew and Katie
- Brett
- Hananana - if she was in the country
- Greg
- Chris

Well i'm 20 in about half and hour. Only half and hour of being a teenager left. Thats not cool.

Must sleep, so tired.