The final blog in a very mind-blowing year. I feel like i have a lot to reflect on.

Its been a really relaxing few days. I went down to PI, to sit on the beach, write and chill out. We just went for walks, chatted and slept lots and for the first time in my holidays i actually felt on holidays. NYE is going to be an interesting one. For the first time i am horribly disorganised. There are house parties going down left, right and centre, but none are really taking my fancy. There are many many drugs for me in the city, theres a cocktail party, a bbq, a camping trip no going ahead...so many options but so little to choose from. Well, its just a night, doesn't really matter what i do as long as i do it well, have fun and get a hug from zoe sometime during the day (its tradition). Also wouldn't mind a little new year lovin but the likelihood of that happening is slim to none. Damn it.

So, 2003. Its difficult to remember right back to the start of the year, but i do remember i was blissfully happy. I'd never imagined freedom to be so beautiful and bring out a side of myself that i loved, and miss. An energy and a lightness that i guess has faded over what has been a pretty rough year all told. There have been good times and bad, times i have laughed, cried, loved, smiled, danced, learnt and grown. People have come and gone, those who have come have come to stay for hopefully a very long time, those who have gone have gone for good reasons. I miss people terrible, like Hat, my oldest bestest friend, my kindred spirit, who is so very far away. I hope she is safe and well. Times and events have passed. Parties, balls, dinners, gigs, dates, lunches on south lawn, nights with friends, sports, and holidays.

There have been the sadnesses of mums illness and dads abusiveness, of the passing of em, matt, tristan and too many other young friends. The sadness, fear and shock of unplanned pregnancy, and the coldness of what followed. I'll never forget that waiting room, the sound of my doctors voice, her hands, the empty feeling. I am scarred by something i regret so terribly and feel so much guilt about, and imagine i will never completely be over it. You cant take these things back, but i guess i can grow stronger from it. I feel stupid that its affected me so much, but i think about all the women who desperately want children, and then think about what i've done and cant help but feel like i was nothing more than incredibly ungrateful.

There have been so many happy times, so much laughing and so much loving. I have a myriad of beautiful memories of people met and nights spent dancing and drinking with people i care about. I have happy memories of conversations and long drives, of standing on that mountain with Han, of pi with christian, of the carpark night. I guess what has made this year special has been the people.

Here are my best ofs...

Best gig of 2003:

Somewhere in Summer @ The Town Hall, not only are they amazingly talented, but they're great people who we partied the night away with.

Special mention: Panics @ Ding Dong Lounge - great band, great vibe.

Best partay of 2003:

Chris' house party - such insanity!

Special mention: 417 mega party

Best night out:

Charity night.

Special mention: Fitzroy pub crawl night.

Special mention 2: Dinner Dance night...mmmmmm

Best moment:

Standing on the top of that mountain with Hanna, looking out and feeling so so happy.

Special mention: Wont give too much detail, but a certain VERY FUNNY 'mission impossible carpark incident'. Never laughed so hard in my life. One of the greatest nights of my entire life.

Best book:

Dead Air - Ian banks - Ok so it was last year but it took most of the year to get around to finishing

Special mention: 'Dude - wheres my country?' - Michael Moore, sad, depressing but excellent.

Special mention 2: Life of Pi.

Best album of the year:

BRMC - Take them on, One your own

Special mention: Ryan Adams - Rock n roll

Special mention 2: Kings of Leon - Youth and Young Manhood

People that made the year what it was:

Hanna - who i only met this year but think of as my sister. A girl who showed us all what courage is about and warmed the heart of every single person she met. So many fun times, crazy adventures and special moments of chatting, cruising and dancing the night away.

Bumpkin - got to know him better this year. An absolute champion of a person, without doubt one of the greatest people i know. Absolutely nada in common, but it doesn't seem to matter because he rocks so much and we can talk shit better than anyone.

Andrew - probably enough said about this one, but certain added a whole new dimension or six to my year. Some really nice memories, and some really not so nice ones too. Hopefully this year cemented our friendship and we'll still be mates in 20 years time. Just one of those people.

Ian - you wanna party? You call this guy. Always up for something/anything/everything. We've explored the wonderful world of every drug we could get our hands on and were rarely sober together. But more than this, he's really helped me through some mega tough times, always with a hug and the most overwhelming generosity and compassion. A person i'd also like to know in 20years and 30years and 40 years.

Christian - while he is currently driving me crazy with his melodrama, you dont get much better a friend than this boy. This year saw us grow closer and share some pretty full on ups and downs. A trip to phillip island will always be my fav memory of christiano and hanna; them laughing and screaming and clutching shamus as they ran pantless down the road.

And there are so many more....

Well, i've crapped on suitably well.

Just a quick note regarding next year. Next year is dedicated to me and my sanity. There will be no living in this hell hole, no working horrible jobs for horrible bosses, no crappo uni subjects, no unrequited love making my feel like crap. There will be rockin breece and warfey house, good times, partying, writing, dancing, big nights, and lots o' lovin...well thats the plan....guess its always the plan...

A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers. Stay safe and feel the love. Jessie and Mia - i adore you both, and miss you terribly. Mike, Shai, Chris, Emily, Lans and any other randoms i've forgotten - thankyou all for your regular reading, commenting and sharing this highly disfunctional year with my via your screen. Addie, wish you were here. Andrew - ahem...i got nuthin but happy new year spunky, may make a guest appearance at your partay tomorrow *sobriety/coherance not a guarantee. Thanks for an interesting year and i hope there are many more (less emotionally draining ones) to come.

I guess i dont comment enough on how lucky i am to have so many beautiful, wonderful and caring friends. ah this time of year is makin me sappy and stuff, love it.

Thankyou and goodnight. See you next yearxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx