Sorry this is in pieces - its being difficult again...

On another note, shes been drinking again. I found her this morning a street away and I always think the worst because of what has come before. And she was slumped over the wheel again…i haven’t run that fast in a long time. I walked/carried her home the best I could and then got the car. I don’t know what to do, and yet I feel like I should because I’ve done this before, again and again, probably 200 times, but it never gets any easier. You just get more numb. I remember my resolve about making things better at home and cant help but loose a little faith. I hope shes sleeping, I feel so god damn responsible. I just want to get out of this house.

Ozzie is always talking about karma and I wish he wouldn’t. It makes me feel like I must have done something…I don’t know where that came from…sorry.

Anyway, enough of this. There been far too much of it. I’m ok, I really am, or at least I really will be, however I feel right now. It’s a really beautiful day and I’m going to go and enjoy it and try and stop thinking for just a while. I’m so lucky to have days off like this….

xx

Then we did something that we probably shouldn’t have. He called it “closure sex” in a joking kind of way. I know now what it was to me though – it was me trying anything I could to change things. Which is stupid because what was that going to change? But I don’t think like that, rationally, when I’m in the situation. Its like I’m grasping at whatever I’ve got, which isn’t a whole lot. Oh well, it was fun…and after all…no regrets hey?

Andrew and I had a talk last night and I guess it was about time. Things were complicated and a little uncertain and there was quite a bit to be said. I was planning to say something about what I was feeling but then he got in before me. He told me that he and Katie have been talking about getting back together, and while nothing was certain, that he thought I should know. Which was great, in a not so great way. I mean I felt better that he was so open and honest with me. It meant I was right about him, and when I’d spent so long thinking how wrong I’d been…well it was sort of comforting. Anyway, I didn’t know how to express everything that was going on in my mind, but I gave it a pretty lame shot. I felt like there was nothing I could say again, nothing I could do. Its that really fucked up totally powerless situation where all you want is to be able to say or do something to make it better but there is nothing. Just nothing. And it all was so reminiscent of last year – finding it so hard to comprehend how he can say that he’d be with me in a second, and all this really nice stuff…and then say he doesn’t want to be with me. It doesn’t really make things any better, it just makes me more confused and frustrated. And I guess I do understand it, in that its one of those situations where you have a choice to make and you make it, whether you want to or not, you’ve just got to. And I’d do it too. I mean they have history, be it complicated and whatever, and I guess its always going to win hands down. Theres just no competing with that sort of thing. Not that it’s a competition…just…well, when theres a choice…oh fuck I don’t know. And I wanted not to get upset, to say ok and understand and whatever because I knew that it wasn’t an easy thing for him to say to me. Its never easy saying something that you know is going to hurt someone else. I wanted to make it ok, to make it easier for him. But I wasn’t so good at not getting upset and I probably made things a lot worse. I feel stupid saying thing about how much I care about him to him because I can almost feel him thinking “no you don’t, what would you know” sort of thing…because its been said before and it sticks with you. Jesus, I’m rambling. Its suddenly all come to the surface and its going to drive me crazy.

Andrew this is a lot about you and I don’t know if you care – I guess its just a little disclaimer (haha can you tell I’m an H1 law student?!)

*

Not such a good day. In fact its pretty fucked. Its funny that you can know stuff but refuse to believe to the point you can totally block it out. I guess I just have a way of maintaining hope til the very last minute. I’m good like that. I just started crying again, fuck, I’m so fucking pathetic. I wish I could just snap out of it, or talk myself out of it or something but it doesn’t seem to work like that.

I think i'm going to be sick. Again. Its 9.27am and i haven't been to bed yet. I'm cold and tired. Last night at about 11 oclock i got really inspired and jumped out of bed and ran to the computer and just typed and typed and typed. At this rate my book with be finished in no time. Its amazing the material that this saga is providing.

Anyway, my phone rings at about midnight and its a private number. I answer. A person, who i'm assuming to be the same idiot who keeps calling me, breathes into the phone but says nothing. Two minutes later the phone rings again, private number again. I answer again. THis time is a girl, saying she has a missed call from my number. I tell her its not possible, i haven't called anyone. She says it has to be and asks me who i am. I tell her. She says her name is Natalie. She asks me where i'm from, i tell her. She says "thats weird, i dont know anyone in melbourne. I'm from Sydney." The moment she said it i was hit by the most unbelievable feeling. There has to be about 10,000 people in Sydney called Natalie and yet i knew EXACTLY who she was, and i hadn't called her, or even ever spoken to her before. I just knew it, as if i could possibly know. I checked my phone and i hadn't called anyone, so we agreed there must just have been a mistake. i just knew it was ians ex gf, and so i sent him a message telling him that thats what i thought. He did his research and turns out i was right. Isn't that freaky?

Well i thought it was anyway.

Conversation of the day:

Me: "...you know, maybe if they were really playing badminton..."
Him: "Badminton? Where did you pull that from. nobody plays badminton"
Me: "People play badminton"
Him: "like who?"
Me: "I dont know, someone must, cos otherwise it wouldn't exist"
Him; "I guess so."
Me: "Hey dont ask me, i dont even know what it is. It just came to me. But anyway, say there were actually playing badminton..."
Him: "FUCKING HELL - LISTEN TO YOURSELF!!!"

It was funny at the time. Its one of those conversations where you use the word far too many times, and it just makes it funny.

Anyway, i feel like curling up into ball and dying right about now so i might go and do something of the sort.

Not at all happy. :(

I'm sitting here in the law library computer room and am decidedly proud that its the first time in my life i've actually been in here. I'm looking out across the city and typing my play. I just finished it and i'm really pleased with it. Yesterday i had no idea where i was going with it, no direction and absolutely no way of ending it with anything profound....and then it all just came together, just like that. It ends with a big speech by Richard about the game and how you think you know someone, revealing all this stuff about Linda that you never expected that a man like him would even notice. Then he tells Steve about Sophia and breaks down into a sobbing mess. And then the power gets reconnected and voila - the end!

I've been up since about 4 this morning so i'm a little weary again. M left for Perth so i was spending the final hours with him, though i'm sure i made little sense. We stayed up last night watching Eurovision, which is the winner of the worst show i think i've ever seen in my entire life. It was brilliant! We got very into it, but the stupid country won so we were quite disappointed.

Played hockey yesterday - huge suprise. What is actually a huge suprise is that we didn't lose. It was amazing. Ian turned up because i'd mentioned in passing that i was playing. I was horrified. He's developing stalker qualities. I yelled from the field "What the hell are you doing here?" and he yelled back "I wouldn't miss the opportunity to watch 22 girls in short skirts run around a field". It was quite embarrasingly loud. I guess i should appreciate his support, cos i like when people come to watch...it just seems to be a developing pattern, him turning up where ever i am. oh well...

Then i went to rehearsal, which was predictably tense. Jack once again threw his drumsticks, but this time at me for telling him to shut the fuck up and that he was driving me crazy. Nik stormed off half way through because she thinks we're all incompetant...bloody pretentious singers. THen we sat around and bitched about her for the following hours and wrote a couple of songs - none of which rock my world particularly. I kept accidently correcting Jacks grammar - i mean come on, he kept saying "well, i've wrote about 6 songs. I've wrote heaps really" - and i just snapped and said "Its WRITTEN. I've WRITTEN 6 songs". I thought that was probably the best time for me to leave. So i did. I'm seriously considering ditching them. I wish i could ditch all of them except Nik, because shes the only one i can work with and isn't more intent on playing metal. I doubt she'll leave them now, not after how much work we're done. Still, i think i'm gonna go insane if i stick around. We'll see.

I should probably go do something useful, like print this play. Or edit it. Thats an option. I'm just not really in the mood, i feel like going back to bed...mmm bed.

I have a feeling its going to be a BIG week on all fronts.