Wow, that was hardcore wackedoutness. I was messy yesterday. All apologies.
Today is a completely different story, curious because its Tuesday, and Tuesdays tend to suck. Not this one.
Its beautiful outside, and while i feel kinda guilty always hoping it wont rain, it makes me happy, weather like this.
i suppose you can tell that i'm not all together 'with it' - again. Just overtired and a little hyper. Couldn't sleep last night, as if thats anything new.
Strange dreams about the Melbourne Cup of all things. I dont even like horse racing. I'm going though - to the cup that is. Just to check it out.
Zoe says that terrorists are going to blow it up. I say shes paranoid. Oh well, if i listen to my dreams i know whos going to win...hahahah..yeah right.
ahem...ok, so i'm crazy. This is good. Feeling fine, smiley.
ooohh thats my phone...
back again, no one interesting. I wonder who i would class as "interesting". It was just mark. Who else.
Thats not nice of me is it.
Ah wells, back to study, my favourite pasttime.
Love you all xoxox

I find i am content to be undriven, but he is not content not driving. My work languishes, still unedited despite deadlines come and gone, and I sit here, surrounded by this incessant technical hum and search through every word I’ve ever learnt in order to find the right one for what I’m feeling. At first it seemed explanation was as simple as anger. Anger for this lack of tolerance, or faith or whatever you want to call it. But I’m not angry and that scares me. It is easy for me to know when i am angry, and i am thankful for that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am hollowed out, empty, high and dry, and know it. And the knowing helps me also know that it will pass. Rage is not always easy to detect in yourself; sometimes it creeps up on you and you find yourself yelling at someone and insisting that you aren't. But I don’t yell, well hardly ever, and this isn’t rage.
Perhaps its lack of peace. The greatest obstacle to peace is space. When people feel backed into a corner, when they are constantly reminded of expectations or pushed towards goals that they are having trouble fulfilling, bitterness turns to defensiveness turns to pale shadows that raise every muscle in your back and brings you quick to lashing out. Let people know what you need and think, yes, but do not berate them when they fail, especially if they are trying. How often he has pushed and pushed and pushed over the little things because he thought he was reminding, making sure it was fresh in my memory. but sometimes, it is not a matter of reminders. Sometimes I know exactly what needs doing and still have trouble doing it, and whenever someone mentions it, I feel more trapped by my own failure. Yes, we can cut people too much slack and they end up slipping fast. But more often than not, it is that we do not cut people enough slack, that we push them on and on and on and never realise what we are rushing towards. The hate, the anger, the violence. Parents trying to love their kids and pushing them farther away. And I know it is hard for him to remember to be tolerant, to lend a hand again and again and stop himself before he says those words. You’re a failure. You do not make me proud.
So maybe its pressure, breaking me because I’m tired. I used up all my defenses last year. But then again, maybe that’s an excuse because I cant be fucked defending myself these days when he tells me I’m no good, or I’m not doing enough. Believing him is simpler and I find myself seeking relief in letting his words sink in, letting him win this time. When he tells me I’m “particularly single these days” and suggests that perhaps I “don’t try hard enough to be who they (guys) want me to be.” What the fuck is that? Pushing conformity like its something to strive towards. And here I show that I actually don’t let him win. So what is it? Maybe it’s a lot of things. I’m feeling scattered today. My mind is all over and I'm falling over myself rather than falling one line too long. Which is alright; it is my blog and sometimes I need to remember that it is perfectly alright to make no sense at all. Which is fortunate, because I’m quite good at making no sense. I've found I do that a lot in class; although I am reasonably confident that I do at least make some valid points, I seem to be unable to communicate them in any succinct, useable form lately. Missing writing, all my academic comments are turning into poetry and the oral tradition. Which would be great, if that were one of the classes i was taking. But when you are trying to articulate a question about statutory duty, it is not always the most productive way of communicating.
Had a good weekend, so its funny that I’m like this. Went to Kats most of Sunday, listened to Tablet jam, recorded a couple of songs of my own. I decided I’m going to buy a new guitar, and also learn how to play it. I spent about 4 hours yesterday playing scales and coming to terms with just how crap I am when it comes to music theory. They were all rolling around the floor laughing at me attempting to name the strings and then play a blues scale. I blame my teacher, who taught me very little except that I like coffee, don’t like country music and details of the illegality of teacher/student relationships. I studied a bit too much for my sanity and concluded that too much learning will screw you up. You end up lying in bed and staring at a crack in the ceiling, thoughts ending up large and circular.
So perhaps its all attributable to lack of sleep. This slightly pissed off, frustrated, angry feeling that’s making me miss everything and everyone in some over romantic, sentimental attachment to anything that ever made me happy. Or perhaps it’s the new diet that I’ve been put on – that’s right put on. Damn self psychoanalysis and introspection is a truly useless activity because really, who can ever achieve objectivity when they feel like this. I’m messed.
By the way Jessie, its ok about Friday, i’m not cut or anything because I think you know that you overstepped the mark well and truly. I forgive you – if that’s what you want to hear.
Hmm I feel like picking up the phone and calling someone. Anyone. Just a random selection of numbers. This house is again lonely, and I cant go out because I have exams, but I cant stay in or else I’ll go insane…or further insane. Maybe I’ll go for a walk and collect myself.

I apologise to anyone who bothered to read this. I’m not depressed just muddled and pensive and looking for any distraction I can find…