AHHHHHHHHH
Thats right, you heard me....AHHHHHHHHHH
I spent 5 hours in the library today, trying to be invisable, trying to achieve something other than procrastination. I have so much work its insane, completely and utterly ridiculous. It was one of those days you wish you could disappear. I didn't want to see anyone, be seen by anyone, or speak to anyone. I hardly even said hi to john in torts, hope he wasn't offended. Strangely antisocial for me, i'm usually the other way round, but i didn't want people today. I turned off my phone, made no plans and snuck into the back corner of the library where i sat undisturbed for hours on end. I almost finished my assignment in that time, good thing too - ITS DUE TOMORROW. God my organisation sucks. Anyways, it was a long day, 9 - 7 at uni just working. Dont know what the deal was there...oh well. Now i'm over the whole work thing and i want to go out and have a drink...a strong one at that. hmmm so tired...still a few hours of work to do though.
Brain is jumbled.
No think straight...no think at all
mmm wall
stare at wall
so tired...so very....

Tuesdays Blog (todays that is)
Its those simple conversations that can change the way you see the world. A passing off-hand comment can drop you to the ground, open your eyes and scream wake the fuck up. I just had one such conversation with Em, confirming my suspicions that shes an amazingly wise and strong girl. She said quite a few things to me about a range of things and now i feel my worlds been rocked just a little. I think i'm all to shocked by some of these realisations to actually type them and confront them here and now. I'd hardly know where begin, its all just a jumble in my head. It was mostly about zoe, because in true em style she betrayed zoe's confidence and told me everything that she'd said about me on saturday night. Its funny how wrong you can be about someone and something, especially when you're convinced you're right. When you find out otherwise, well, its just hard to come to terms with. Zoe has no respect for me whatsoever. Its incredible the things she said about me. I dont know if she was just trying to make em think i'm some terrible evil person or whether she actually believed what she was saying. All this stuff about me that isn't true, so many exaggerations and lies. I'm pretty hurt. But the thing i realised tonight wasn't that, it was more that i was wrong about her. All the time i've spent hanging on to her and our old friendship, no matter how much shes hurt me, telling myself shes actually a good person and that it doesn';t matter because shes my bestfriend. Em said "thats fucked" and i think shes right. For a few seconds there i tried not to be defensive, to take in what zoe had said as constructive criticism and try and improve myself but then i realised - i'm really not as bad as she says. How can i be so terrible? Am i really like she says i am? Am i just fooling myself? Fuck no. I know that i'm a million miles off perfect, but she made it sound like i was the worlds most selfish, self centered...slut basically. I dont know where all this came from. I'm just a little bit thrown...and hurt.

I want to be respected. I know that sounds like a really stupid thing to say but i wish people respected me. In the past week i've had a stream of compliments about the way i look, its been very weird and disconcerting, i'm not used to it, but so many guys have been saying all this stuff. I dont find what they say complimentary in any way though, seriously i'll make a list of the things i've been told in the last week (the ones that were serious), word for word:
* "Its a shame you dont go skiing....you'd make such a good snow bunny"
* "you know what, you'd be a really good stripper"
* "man i'd pay so much to root you, fuck you're so hot."
* "Its ok for you if you dont understand this, you'll just go flutter your eyelashes at the tutor and he'll give you a good mark"
* "i think we could be really good friends..." pause (i think "oh isn't that nice") "...but only when you didn't have your clothes on"
And the list goes on. Umm hello? Why? Whats the deal here? I'm very soon going to dye my hair brown and wear glasses so people consider that maybe, oh just maybe i might have a BRAIN!!!! The nicest thing i've heard all week was Christian's comment today "i dont know why you put yourself down phe, just cos you dont understand this. You've an amazingly intelligent girl, i'm sure you'll get it if someone explains it right." It was nice, especially coming from him. Oh well, i suppose it could be a lot worse, i mean i should feel good that these charming young men would like to sleep with me...shouldn't i? Its kinda complimentary isn't it? Sorta?

I'm really tired but its well before bed time, I never want to waste the time i have to write. The spaces come so few and far between that i almost feel obliged to write it all down when i can. Maybe i'll just resort to the lists....

Good points:
- Conversation with em and major ensuing epiphanies
- Cooked dinner very sucessfully, nothing burnt at all!
- Christian helping me with my work
- Getting a lift home instead of having to catch the train (yey for dave!!!)
- the weather and the fact that its only 11 days until spring
- OH MY GOD - JUNGLE BALL!!!!

Bad points:
- 9 and 1/4 hours of uni
- 'Cheers'....well and truely enough said
- Brokeness! Bought $220 worth of books...ahhhhhhhhh
- Indirectly being called a slut (not appreciated so much)
- Outworkers...its just a sad sad thing

Things that made me smile:
- Finding book called "I Love You: Sketch of a possible Felicity"
- 'da do ron ron' and the searches...oh baby
- That song on the snickers add
- when discussing missionaries in history recalling the line "the missionaries would not be happy with you!" I laughed out loud in a large silent room full of people - try explaining that one...
- Someone calling me Jed. I haven't heard that in years!! Its still funny all this time on..
- Chris Hayes calling me for the first time in about a year, absolutely hammered at about 6 in the evening on a tuesday night. Priceless.

People i dont like today:
- ZOE
- Ronald Reagan...long story
- Dreadlocked, multicolour beanie weaing, tree hugging hippy handing out thousands of glossy leaflets about protecting the environment and not cutting down trees - AND being too stubborn to acknowledge the irony.
- Everyone at Cheers (excluding mark)

People i do like today:
- Christian and Bumpkin (found out today that his name is Nick...i've only known him for about a year!)
- Em
- Jimmy Carter - big fan
- Karl Marx - similiarly big fan
- Mark (guy from law class, rocking!)

Today's words:
- Dichotomy
- Juxtaposition
- Jurisprudence
(Must include above three in the same sentence to achieve good marks in law)
- Fisch (its just funny)

Todays colour:
- Yellow. I dont actually like yellow, just so many things were yellow today. About 6 people said the word and i heard the song twice. Just a yellow sort of day i guess.

Today's saying:
- Lou: "Chrissy i love your scarf!" (incidently yellow scarf)
Christine "Really? Thanks! I got it at the $2 dollar shop."
Lou: "Seriously? No way! How much was it?"
Spose you had to be there...

Todays songs:
- The one from the snickers add, 'da do ron ron', 'yellow' and 'big yellow taxi'....it just gets weirder...

Book:
- How can you go past "I love you: Sketches of a possible Felicity"? Nah really...umm well i read part of "the windup bird chronicals", seriously fantanstic book.

Thats all i have the energy for now...i think its bed time.
Until tomorrow or the next day....


Sunday's Blog (because i couldn't post it then)
Interestingly, being human gives us the capacity, the rationality to see our actions objectively if we choose to. It is however, strange how infrequently we choose to draw upon this capacity and allow it to help us see the stupidity behind many things we do. Despite our ability to grasp fully the consequences of what we do, we rarely change our behaviour because we, and this truth, are overpowered by desire. Its like we’re walking towards the edge of a great cliff, clearly lit up by the sun but will not stop and turn around. We know inwardly that eventually, if we continue to walk this way, we will fall. Our consciousness of this is disquieting. This is an observation I made of myself this afternoon, and then attributed it to all humans for the sake of saying something profound. Quite simply I’m saying that I have no willpower, even when the blinding and imminent consequences of my actions are inevitably devastating. For a so-called intelligent being I am astoundingly slow. Even with this observation I will continue on just the way I am behaving until I reach the edge and fall to my bloody death…or such other unfortunate end. Just an observation…just another useless pondering…

Today was a nice day. Despite the simplicity of that description I think it sums it all up. The day was nice. It wasn’t amazing or earth moving, just nice, quiet and sunny. I was in a good mood from the moment I woke up with rays from my partly drawn curtains falling across my face. I almost danced down the stairs and in my enthusiasm to make breakfast I woke dad up. He got up and had breakfast with me (admittedly at midday) and we chatted civilly, even warmly, for the first time in ages. We drank coffee and discussed various political situations in the world, expressed opinions, laughed and joked. I realised then how beautiful a thing family can be and was envious of all those who feel this regularly. I then confronted my mountain of work and achieved absolutely nothing. I read Eliot about 60 times and still failed to get anything out of it whatsoever. It remains on my desk where it belongs and will stay for a long time to come. I had a 2 hour argument with Mark on the phone (just a friendly “I’m right and I’m not giving in” argument) which I’m still convinced I won. What do you think about this Mia and anyone else whos reading this…Say you had a possession, something that was in one sense or another important to you, and you lost it, or it disappeared and you had no idea what had happened to it. Say your car just vanished or your wallet, or even one of your close friends. Would you think about them more then (when you didn’t know what had happened) or before, when the object or person was around? Mark was arguing that you’d think about something more when you had it (ie oh isnt my such and such wonderful) and I was arguing that you just take things for granted when you have them and think about them so much more when they’re gone, especially when you have no idea what happened. “You don’t know what you’ve got till its gone…” Which reminds me, I was listening to Joni Mitchell tonight. Shes great...