Mark once told me that i'm just like an autumn leaf. Hold me gently and with respect in the palm of your hand and i will be beautiful, vibrant, firey and full of colour. Try and hold me too tightly, to stop me from blowing in the wind and i will crumbled to pieces and slip through your hands. I will disappear forever, and be for you only fragments of my old self.

When he told me this i practically ignored it, laughed it off as him being overly poetic and romantic. I guess it was a beautiful and strangely perceptive thing to say. I like to thing i'm bold and strong sometimes and the analogy of an autumn leaf does me no favours in that department but maybe it is true on a committment level.

So two people have held this leaf recently, and when a gust of difficult wind came by they grabbed it with vigour - and if they love the leaf, its understandable. But as a result, the leaf has crushed, crumbled and is slipping away rapidly.

I am tumbling in the wind, emotionally today a little more free than recent times. I am contemplating breaking up with D, because i cannot be the girl that he wants me to be. Whether he agrees consciously, things he says make him transparent in that aspect. I adore him and want him to be with someone else, who will be there for him 100%. He is too dependant on me, someone who cannot give that much.

I haven't had my own time recently and i hate it. I haven't had time to write, or sing, or play guitar. To run, or go to the gym, or see my other friends. I am loosing myself and its not fun.

I am not the relationship type. I am the single girl right now, in a taken girls life. Twice. Cant do.

I hate this situation in a way i cannot explain. I'm so so sorry.


JESSIE - Fuck i need you! I love you boy. You are the greatest friend i could ever hope for. I love that you can be so far away and yet still be such a big part of my soul. You're precious. Always remember ok?

I remember this feeling. Its been a while since i've had a good drink. Was wasted, and perhaps slightly undignified and now am paying for it.

Was a pretty good party. Really cool to see someone that close to their family, made me a touch envious. My speech went down well, i think it was reasonably entertaining without being too insulting and uncouth in front of his elderly relatives. The video was great too. He got a bit teary in the Hanna section, which made me teary too. Ia was a jerk all night and kept groping me inappropriately. Not just in the way he usually does, it went far too far and kept saying things to the barman about 'feeling her pussy' and really uncool stuff like that. He kept trying to stick his hands in my underwear and other places. It was sexual assult and it made me really upset. He's not in the good books with D or B at the moment, or for that matter with me. So completely uncool, and i dont think drunkness is an excuse. That may excuse the spewing all over everything and saying rude things to C's cousins, but not what he did to me. Grrr.

I also got kidnapped by a taxi driver which sobered me up pretty quickly. Scared the fuck out of me, B and D.

Feeling less fiesty than last week, which isn't hard. THings round here have chilled a bit which is nice. Still have a lot of work to do, but at least less emotional stress.

Gotta do Con and Admin now.