Just quickly - i think i found the words. These are my recent additions:

"It means you fucked up again. It means you’ve fucked up a lot. And it means that I’m not going to pick up your pieces again. You caused it, you know you did, so don’t turn around and ask me what to do about it. You’re 52 and you’re – “

“Don’t.”

“Why? Because it’s true? Because Evelyn said that we had to do this together?” Evelyn is the most recent addition to Man’s list of authorities. She is the all knowing, all-telling, award-winning, public speaking councillor who’s words Man hangs on for some unknown reason.

“She did. She said that nobody can do this by –“

“You know what? Fuck Evelyn. What the fuck would she know? How many time has she been here hey? How many?” Girl knows she is ranting. Girl knows. It’s embarrassing to step out and hear yourself being irrational. You don’t want to stop because to stop is to admit you’re wrong. She cringes at how much she sounds like him.

“Shh…she’s sleeping.”

“She’s not sleeping. She’s unconscious. There’s a difference, there's a big difference.” Girl is angry and insistent.

*** and:

Man re-enters. Left stage. He’s holding a cup.

“I got you some more coffee.” Girl doesn’t move. “It’s the way you like it. Black, strong.”

“How did you - ?”

“I went upstairs. I thought you might - ”

“Thanks.”

Its interesting how rarely they finish their sentences. When you live with somebody for so many years you begin to assume you know exactly what they’re about to say and its almost as if you don’t need to listen to the end. Girl thinks that perhaps one day, if she lets him finish a sentence he might surprise her. She’s not so sure she’s ready to be surprised right now. There’s always later.

***

I know thats not much of an addition but i guess its something. I'm not very good with dialogue so i though i might put it in there to prove to her i've actually been working on it.

Anyway, back to it

Yesterday morning i was sitting on the beach and it was deserted, all movie like. Then i realised Christian was home from queensland so i gave him a call. We spoke for two hours. Turns out the wedding was in a kangaroo enclosure at steve irwins zoo in maloolabah. I can just imagine his crazy italian relatives turning up and looking for the church. I'm sure they were appalled. I'd missed him, it was good to talk. Then, just as we hung up, these two surfer guys rocked up. They asked me where the best place to surf was and i directed them on how best to get out to Cyrills. They said i may as well show them. I said i dont surf in winter. They said that i should. And i decided - fuck it - why not? So i went home and got my board and wetsuit and we paddled out together. My god, it was so unbelievably cold. I lost all feeling in my feet and my head hurt. The break was massive and terrifying, but the guys were great surfers and blocked the waves for me, kept an eye on me. I love the respect girls get out there. No one is going to cut you off, ever. We had so much fun. I haven't had such a great surf in years. I was wrecked and cold and hungry as anything by the time we got out but i'm so glad i did it. Those spontaneous things are always the best fun and most memorable.

Anyway, i should get back to writing this piece. I want it to be perfect but i just cant find the words. I'm not in the same mindset as i was in when i started it and i cant seem to get it back because things change....

I'll write soon. I have a feeling that this is the beginning of something. Last weeks feeling was correct - so who knows....

"Girl had always commented on how quickly things can change."

Thats the first line of the piece i have to hand in tomorrow. I'm nervous about it, which is stupid. But its true, things change so quickly sometimes.

I've been away, down by the beach. It was so beautiful. I'd deliberately leave the curtains open at night so that when i woke up in the morning the very first thing i'd see would be the ocean, the perfect swell as it always is before the wind picks up. The windows would be open, so i could smell and taste it, and i'd lie spralled on the bed for hours just breathing it all in. I love that place. I guess i'd say its one of my favourite places on earth, so theraputic and soothing. 10 minutes there and you feel better. I remember last year, when Jo passed away, i went down there for a few hours, sat on that balcony and was suddenly ok. I did work down there too, not enough, but definately more than i'd get achieved here. Its so silent and distractionless. If thats a word. I feel good and energised and ready to take on anything. I ran all the way to the army point this morning and climbed up the cliff through the pines where we always used to go, and i wasn't even out of breath.