This morning was cold, and as a result I decided I didn’t really need to go to uni. My reasoning is perhaps a little shaky, but I got some sleep which was reason enough for me. When I got up I found Kats keys on the table, and decided to go over to her place. I’m not really sure why, since she’s in Perth, and no one would be home, but I had a few things to return and so on. I sat around there for a while, and marvelled at the sense of relaxation I find in someone else’s house. Even when I’m alone here, I never feel comfortable. I played their guitars and listened to some music and just hung out. It was a strange activity and sometimes I worry about my sanity when I do such things. I was reading Kat’s music/lyrics book, planning to learn a few of the songs in there, when I stumbled across a few things she’d written. Its been a while since I’ve read any of her writing and it amazed me to see how similar we are. She’s exactly like me, or I’m exactly like her more to the point. While she is perhaps more openly sensitive, gets angry more, cries more and so on, we think in just the same way. I smiled to notice how she threw around words like “love”: she “loved this” and “loved that”. We’re both pretty passionate people although I don’t think she realises that about me. I know I strike them all as disturbingly passive and calm and again its strange to notice that people who live in such close proximity can know so little about eachother. For some reason it made me a little scared. It’s a morbid concept and I don’t know exactly where it came from but I started contemplating what would happen if I died – soon I mean. Would it really matter if they didn’t know me? I get angry at myself for being so withdrawn around them, and so much of someone who isn’t me around people at uni. I do this and then get frustrated when they don’t understand me – I mean god what do I expect!! Oh well, again I think I’ll put this pondering, useless rambling, down to overtiredness and stress.

With Mum gone I’m finding I have so much to do. I’m now convinced more than ever that Dad couldn’t boil water if it came in a packet with instructions. He is honestly the most domestically impaired individual I have ever met. As I result I cook, clean, wash, fix his shirts, do the shopping, pay the bills as well as anything else that needs to be done. I do so mostly out fear of poisoning, or him burning the house down. When he does manage to do something domestic himself however, (like heating the night befores take away), he spends the next hour or two boasting about it and calling random people to tell them of his achievement. I now realise why mum never left him – he’d die of starvation or a hygiene related disease. I’m simultaneously trying to study for my exams, but its all just a bit of façade. Most of the time I’m pretending to study I’m just upstairs playing my guitar or writing my novel. I’m quite looking forward to failing. When I’m not doing this, I’m working and trying to do exercise. The latter is proving highly unsuccessful. I’m going to blame that on my surfing injury and my resulting inability to move much at all without the assistance of morphine – a seriously underrated drug if I do say so myself. I tried to get my frustration out by pounding the pavement for a couple of k’s before, but I just ended up with shooting pains all over my body (time for another hit I think). I’m never surfing again.

I haven’t really seen much of anyone recently, well, other than uni people. Zoe is pretty busy herself, shes living with skye now and watching the teletubbies every morning is sending her insane. Mark has disappeared completely, haven’t seen him in weeks, which honestly isn’t a bad thing. Cam and I have been hanging out a bit, and I’m helping him with an assignment by translating into Spanish. It’s a weird weird exercise. Em, as I said, has just vanished. I’m thinking perhaps she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want to talk about it. Its strange, she always turned to me in times like this. I’m still worried about her. Haven’t seen Andrew in over a month (hi if you’re reading this), and I really miss talking to him but what can you do. Hils wrote to me yesterday telling me that shes coming to Australia next May. I’m sooooo excited, I really miss that girl. Other than that…well lifes been pretty antisocial. Everyone’s studying for exams, stressing way too much, and getting in terrible moods. Oh wells, I’m still happy.

What a strange day it is. One minute blue sky, the next pouring rain. Typical Melbourne. I suppose I should be doing something more useful than just writing here, but I’m failing to find the motivation. I’ve decided I’m going overseas. Just like that. I don’t really have any ties here, not ones that I cant break easily. I just have to see things, everything, I want to do everything and see everything and try it all. No one here really needs me, so I wont feel guilty. I love my friends more than anything in the world, by they have each other, and there’s email and telephones. I don’t have a job that rocks my world in any particular way, just mundane means of getting by, earning some money. I’m single, so no one will miss me there. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and everyone keeps asking. I figured I should go and find out. But then again perhaps I’m just running away and postponing it. Either way I think it will be a great experience. I don’t really know where I’ll go. Perhaps trekking through Latin America or something, I’ve always wanted to do that. Or maybe Africa…who knows really. Then to uni/college somewhere because I seriously don’t want to drag out my degree any further. Maybe I’ll move forever…hmm no, that’s a big statement. So much to do…I gotta go

Love you all xoxo

Thankyou so much mia, its words like those that keep me motivated. I'm really glad you're enjoying it so far, and i'm sure you'll blackmail the next part out of me much like you did the first part - so nothing to worry about there. I really appreciate the positive feedback, but seriously - is there anything you dont like, dont get, think i should change? there has to be something i can improve?

Well anyway, enough of that. I'm quite sad today. It seems that these days everytime you turn on the radio something terrible has happened. Its just awful. I dont really know what to say about it other than that. The shootings at Monash today were another frightening reminder of the vunerability of friends and family, and i again found myself realising their importance in my life. I called a few friends, just randomly, to say hi, tell them i missed them, catch up. You never know what will happen. I spoke to Leigh today for hours, and it seems he really has come down to earth this past week. He is more than lucky to be alive and he knows it. He's still mr macho footballer, but there was a quiver in his voice today as he recounted his story to me, and it almost made me cry.

So much is going on and as always theres little time to record it. Exams are approaching quickly, and whilst failure of at least one subject is inevitable, for some reason i dont care. Em dropped out of uni last week and has disappeared. She wont talk to anyone, answer their calls or messages and i have an overwhelming sense of guilt. I cant help but feel its my fault for so many reasons. I was meant to look after her and i didn't. I hope shes ok, whereever she is.

Had an absolutely massive night on Friday at the dinner dance. I haven't been that drunk since...well probably since that night last year. Out of boredom during the speeches i invented a drinking game that soon got out of hand. From then on it was crazy. I think i spent most of the night dancing and laughing, but i remember a few bizzar conversations, especially one with andy. I passed out at approximately 5 o'clock, and needless to say, i didn't feel too good on saturday. I again vowed never to drink again. This time i meant it - again! Funny like that.

Well i've got research to do, but hopefully i'll be able to write soon. This is pretty boring isn't it.
Mia - i wrote you an email so you'll find that there.
Jess - see you tomorrow, probably before you read this.

take care all