Ooohh new template. Orange? Hmm this is sure to change...

WOOOHHOOOO YAY!!! I'm all better. Still dont look too good, but am feeling so much more alive :) Yay!!

Just had coffee with Bill. As with every time i leave him, i walk away with the overwhelming curiosity as to why we even bother seeing eachother. Our relationship revolves around about 5 or 6 meetings a year, over a coffee or a beer, where we ask the same questions and give the same answers. THen he shakes his head, and proceeds to criticise my entire lifestyle and my relationships. He judges every fucking thing i say and do and then summarises it in a concluding sentence about what he sees in my life. He thinks so much of what i do is immoral or something. He always looks at me and says "....if thats the way you want to live your life." Well, yes, thankyou, it is.

So what if i have a big night and wake up on a golf course? So what if i dont go to uni for a while? So what if my relationships aren't 'normal'? I have the common sense to know what needs to be done when. I'm not a complete idiot (well....not all the time).

What are you more likely to remember in a few years time? A great night you spent with friends doing silly but fun things. Or an all nighter you pulled to finish and assignment? Thats not a difficult question.

Ah wells, guess i'm happy with my life, so it doesn't matter what he thinks. Just kinda curious that if he thinks so poorly of me, that he bothers calling to catch up.

Gotta go, am going out for dinner.

Studying misleading and deceptive conduct got me thinking along entirely random lines.

I am not honest enough. Thats not to say i lie when i speak, but rather that i leave things unsaid so often. Its a good thing for me that i'm not under and statutory obligation to disclose. Therefore, my silence is not legally misleading. Legally. But its all i've learnt that the law is so far removed from life that its almost ridiculous.

I'm also not honest with myself about how i'm doing and how i feel about certain things. Of course, i know, somewhere, but i have an amazing ability to talk myself in or out of things regardless. Also, my friends have turned into those life coaching people that you see on late night TV and for a moment there i'd foolishly fallen for it all. Seems everyone has an agenda dont they?...well, these people do.

Anyway, i let one certain individual convince me that caring was a weakness. The only thing that mentality achieved was filling my diary with pages of self affirming bullshit. Last night, writing lyrics, i got to the point i wanted to slap myself. I was on this very ricki-esque rant about what i deserve, and what i should do and so on and so forth. So i got into bed, stared at the cieling a bit and realised - since when has apathy (if you will) been a virtue? I think i'd rather care so much i got hurt than to be indifferent and feel nothing.

It seems indifference is the new black and I think thats very sad.

God knows what i was on yesterday. Saying those things about Andy. The guy is evil and theres nothing more to it. I never ever ever want to have anything to do with him ever again. That is all there is to say about the matter. He's not even worth the effort it takes to type.

Okie. Just discovered a new TV show that is really quite entertaining. How did i stumble across this show? Well, ok, lets be honest...it wasn't really a "stumble" as such.

A few years back Felicity got involved with a guy. Lets call him....Nigel. (Nigel is a really good pseudonym cos no one will actually think i got involved with anyone by that name). Anyways, Nigel was one of those people who is really bad for you - but you just cant leave them alone. Felicity was pretty bad for Nigel too, but he kept crawling back.
For a very unfortunately long time these two would be all over eachother, hate eachother, make up, cheat on their respective partners with eachother, lock themselves in the hockey clubroom together...anyways. It went on and on and on...and just when you thought it was over, the dinner dance would come around...and on, and on. This is one of the longest "flings" in the history of mankind. They were never, not even once 'official' (well, not for more than a week), yet they both still regard it as their longest relationship ever. Unfortunately, one day Felicity decided that Nigel was actually a bit of alright. In fact, more than a bit of alright. Simultaneously, Nigel decided Felicity was not for him. A few months later, after breaking felicitys heart into several million pieces, Nigel changed his mind (upon seeing felicity in a really short skirt) and decided he wanted to be with her. He drunkenly announced this in front of a huge room of people to which felicity replied "FUCK OFF NIGEL" and embarrassed the hell out of him.

After that fateful evening, their friends went to great lengths to keep them away from eachther in fear of acts of violence from either party. Eventually, Nigel disappeared into the blue yonder, never to be seen again....until 2 weeks ago when the whole saga continued thanks to everyone's favourite friend - alcohol...but thats a whole other story.

Anyways, in the days that Nigel and Felicity didn't have an overwhelming desire to harm eachother, they would have long, in depth conversations about their hopes and dreams. One day Nigel told Felicity of a TV show he was planning to make. Felicity dismissed it as some stupid random idea, and laughed at him. Nigel got pissed off....because thats what he was good at.

This evening Nigel sent Felicity an SMS. It simply said "Channel 31, 10.30pm".

Fucking great show Andy...i mean Nigel...sorry for doubting you.

Had my job interview yesterday and couldn't help but feel...fuck whats the word...like i was selling out or something. I think the manager really summed it up when she said "well, its not rocket science." Theres a lot to be said for that though, because between you and me, i dont know the first thing about rocket science. If it were rocket science i think we'd be having a few repeats of that apollo disaster...either that or i just wouldn't get the job. Remember, i'm a little drugged up. So enough about rockets and the like - what i'm trying to say is that i'm probably going to be taking yet another mind numbingly simple job, garunteeing of course that i wont use my brain the entire summer. On a much more positive point - i'll get to wear this really cool hat with an apple on it, so i shouldn't complain. Its not everyday that you get a hat like that.

Anyway, there really isn't much to report. I've just been hanging around at home, hoping desperately to find some motivation to study. As yet this has been a complete failure. Been playing my guitar a bit, writing a bit, and doing a truely exciting assignment on Delta. Yeah, you heard me. I'm doing some assignment on Delta. Thats what i like to call 'selling out'. Its excellent.

I'm having a bit of a rough time atm to be honest. Stuff at home is really really bad. Its come to that point that i dont like talking about it, cos it makes me so upset, but its really sucking. I think mum has to go to hospital for a few months. As much as i know its all for the best - its still a bit upsetting. I'm still sick too, pretty seriously but i have convieniently tricked my body into believing that i'm well with the wonderful (if not excessive) combination of drugs i've imbibed in the past 24 hours. I'll admit to feeling a little woozy, but its a floaty, happy, "should not operate heavy machinery" type of woozy. I'm also really starting to get stressed about my work. I'm finding it almost impossible to study at night (the only time i ever get anything done) because the morons in my house are too busy yelling. I need out. Just for a bit.

God i hate whinging, but theres not many people around at the moment to chat to. Feeling a little weighed down by this stuff.

Its ok, soon exams will be over, it will be summer and i can spend as much time as humanly possible away from this house. I wouldn't mind moving out again too, just for a bit. I was reflecting on last summer, and concluded it was easily the best few months of my life. I was so unbelieveably happy, and i was productive and positive and had lots of fun adventures. I felt so good and i know its all because i wasn't living at home. I'd really like some more time out.

Hmm. Thursday tomorrow. Cant believe how quickly the weeks pass. Its all just crept up on me. Promised i'd go to HiFi tomorrow night for the stupid PJ thing, but i really dont want to. Was even meant to jump up on stage in my tiara and rock out a little bit (that was someone elses idea - especially the tiara) Think i might use my illness as an excuse. Give me 3 weeks and i'll party hard...I promise :)

This entry is officially the most boring ever. Quite adequate really - for what i've been doing.

Thats enough from me. I'm out.

Currently listening to: Unsent letter - MGF (acoustic) - Well said. Do you sometimes feel like you wrote the song you're listening to? Or would have eventually? Well, except the girl bit...

Currently thinking: That i should stop writing in my blog and study

Currently feeling: Like i'm going to die. If i do - i leave all my stuff to anyone who wants it. I really dont have much good stuff.

I'm insanely sick. I've been in bed all day, contemplating whether i should go to hospital and get my tonsils out. I probably should, but i dont know how much that will interupt all the other stuff i need to do. Its a toss up really - go to hospital and not be able to do anything for a week, or not go, and perhaps get more and more sick, or maybe get better. Who knows...

I dont have the energy to type everything, because i feel like i've been writing all day.

Had a really great Friday night with Scott, Simon, Breece and Vanessa. Ran into Shane and Bel and purps too. Shane was his expected sleezy, drugged, fuckhead self. Hes having a party next saturday though and "would just love it if i was there". What a load of crap. He only invited me so i'd tell ursh and she'd find out that she wasn't invited. Yeah, theres no point of exclusion if it cant hurt someone. You'd think by 26 he would have grown up - but apparently not. Might go though and take ursh just to be a pain. Should be a good one.

Anyway, got to spend some quality time with Scott, which was much needed. We cannot expect, that in the course of our lives, we will always be wise enough to make the right decisions. Times slip, and caught in the moment we fail, because it is human to be driven by forces outside our own better judgment. I guess the most important thing is to have the grace to admit when you got it wrong. That’s what I was trying to do on friday night.

I got this wrong and I’m very disappointed in myself for letting it happen. The whole thing was the most enormous act of hypocrisy. In my own defense, you can never understand what its like from the other side until you’ve been there. What I’m talking about is my relationship with Scott. Being with him on friday felt right. Or more right that it has. I think this is because I finally told him everything, all the things that made me feel so guilty whenever we were together. Of course, he didn’t take it so well. I didn’t expect he would though, because it hurts, especially when you care. I believe fully that he cares a lot for me. I’ve been in pretty much his exact situation and I know it well. So well in fact that I cant believe I let it happen, and then continue for so long. I think he forgives me though, which I’m thankful for. He’s a good person.

I think many of the mistakes we make are attributable to the “grass is always greener” mentality. Only recently have I come to realize how untrue this notion is. The grass may seem greener because of how the light falls from your side, but it’s just not the case. Unfortunately this realization came too late to stop me from fucking up some pretty good things – but hey, you make your choices, and shouldn’t regret them. Anyway, its good to get it out of my system.

In breaking news – I just got a job interview, much thanks to the beautiful Erin. Apparently she gave me such a glowing reference that her manager couldn’t say no. What a sweetie. I’m so thankful because this looks promising and I am so broke now that I can’t even afford to park in any spaces with meters. Ah yes, the life of a student.

Might go eat something...


La Boca

Another day he set out to go to La Boca, and proud of his knowledge of the city, he decided to get as close as he could by bus and subte. But fifty centivo coin was contemptuously shown to be fake by the man at the cospele counter, and he got the wrong fare on the bus, having to be helped out by a patient porteno, who was also in a hurry. And then he had to walk.

The heat that had been gathering had reached a point where it seemed to hold everything in its grip. The shadows were solid spaces on the streets, and the locals crept between them as they moved about the city.

After a few blocks the photo-copied map he had was a grey moist mass in his pocket, and he was regretting not bringing sunglasses. The place he was looking for was just off the map, but he was confident of making, and so he took a backward look for memory’s sake and plunged on. Surely he could not get lost.

The taxies grew fewer, and buses passed on nearby streets, not the one he was on.

Never mind, it could not be that far now, and surely if the canal was east of here, all he needed to do was walk with the sun over his left shoulder. But had he already turned east? And was the sun past its zenith?

The streets emptied of vehicles, and then houses turned themselves inside out, emptying their human contents onto the sidewalks. The young were stunned by the heat, while their parents and grandparents sat around formica tables, talking quietly in the shade of the few scraggy trees left on these narrower avenues.

A local fire station was checking its hoses, sending an arc of water across the street. A fireman stood with the hose under his arm listlessly lit a Marlboro one handed as he stood in a rainbow of fine spray.

Wasn’t this the suburb of that club for which Maradona played? Perhaps that was the club’s stadium over there, that huge grey mushroom. A boy went by intently dribbling a tennis ball.

There was no longer any need for haste. He was no longer going anywhere, he was merely trying to swim through this moist medium, all sense of arrival forgotten.

There was a kiosco along a side street, and he headed towards it with relief, noting how his grateful body slowed as he approached the cavern of shadowy shelter.

He bought and paid for a drink, regretting as always his lack of knowledge of their language, and their elaborate courtesy that made him feel like a stuttering estranjeros.

Outside he sat on one of the benches to drink. Where was he? He had no idea. For now he could only be where he was.

An old woman came up, bought an ice cream, and sat on another bench to eat it with slow and evident satisfaction. There was the sound of a child being smacked and starting to howl, and then a mother and grandmother came around a corner talking over the aggrieved child’s head. Two boys and two girls came past and decided that there was more fun in combining and headed off down the shady side of the street.

He looked down and saw that everything, the bare earth, the dust, the petrol stained mirror of the puddle, the shadow, was just as it ought to be. This was the best he could hope for under the circumstances. That the pattern was that there was no pattern, and the only meaning was that there was no meaning.