Welcome to the hardest week of my life. People, including myself, were skeptical about my fear, laughed at me and said i was over-reacting. Not even i had predicted that it would be this bad. I didn't pass out as i expected, but i started crying before i even got the words out. Shows how exceptionally composed i was. From then on it was 8 hours of hell. At 3 in the morning i stumbled into bed, battered and bruised, shattered and torn into little pieces. My eyes were swollen and glowing green with tears, strong against the pale of my face. I looked like i had died several times over. The reaction was perhaps more violent than i had expected because as i've said before, people get defensive and attack. Every pent up thought he had was hurled at me, even ones that should have been directed at anyone but me. Insults were biting and hurtful and even now he stuggles to speak to me, or look at me. I believe the exact words were "you've just ruined my life". Thats a terrible thing to hear, and it broke my heart. I dont want to hurt anyone, i feel terrible if i do it even accidently, but ruining someones life is unforgivable. I look around at this torn household and say to myself "what have you done?" People are trying to convince my left right and centre that it was the right thing to do, that all of what he says is purely emotional blackmail but i cant see it at the moment. Not while he's still crying.

As well as this pain, weakness and exhaustion, i feel a sense of euphoria. There is freedom just around the corner and every time i remember that i cant help but smile.

Its a sad week and a beautiful week simultanously. I am happy and devastated. Its the strangest feeling.

Well, i dont think i have anything to say right now, not that i can articulate.

There are about three more hours until the moment of truth and i'm already shaking. I've written a speech (5 times), memorised it, but i kinda know i wont get to say it all. God i'm scared. I'm sooo scared. Call me a pathetic wuss but this is the most difficult thing i've ever had to do, i feel sick. I couldn't sleep last night, saying the words over and over, telling myself it'll be ok, that i'm doing the right thing. I'm a wreck, the sooner i tell them the sooner its over. Well i suppose it doesn't end there, its not even close to the end, its actually the beginning. I wish i knew what was going to happen. Breathe in, breathe out. Cant forget to breathe. I could die, but then again i could be going to die anyway. Thats not funny really, he said once that he'd kill me, but who knows how much truth there was in that. Perhaps we'll soon find out. Perhaps i'll faint before i even get to say it. I'll be in the middle of my enormous speech about why i made this decision and i'll black out. Its likely given the way i'm feeling now and they're still 200 ks away.

Sometimes letting go
Is harder than holding on
Cos its harder to take the risk
That you just might be wrong
Letting go
Things might never be the same
But you will never know
Unless you dare to change

No prizes for guessing who's having doubts. Ah i'm an idiot. People do this everyday, every minute ever. In the world there is someone doing it right now. Its not that big a deal right? right? RIGHT? ahhhhhhhhhhhh it is for me. Well off i go...to my doom. (if perhaps none of you ever hear from me again you know what happened ok? please notify the police)

ok so i'm a drama queen.

thanks jessie - i think i need luck. To make my day even rosier, my computer spontanously decided to delete everything - i mean everything from my harddrive. So thats goodbye to all my study notes, an essay due in a few days and everything i've written in the past months (including 30,000 words of my novel and my diary). I knew there was a reason people backed up files. I'm sooooo not happy. i'm now going to fail my exams, have to rewrite everything AND on top of it all i have to break the news tomorrow (something i'm TOTALLY looking forward too - not.)
WHAT A FUCKING AWFUL DAY. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Oh well. Things can always get worse i suppose
* sigh * i dont really care about my notes, i'm just devastated about my novel. That was soo much hard work.
I think life hates me. Or something.
well enough of this being pissed off ness.
gotta fly.